“The longing for a destiny is nowhere stronger than in our romantic life. All too often, we’re forced to share our bed with those who cannot fathom our soul. Can we not be forgiven if we believe ourselves fated to stumble one day upon the man or woman of our dreams?”~ Alain de Botton (On Love)

I was having a phone conversation with a friend last night. We were sharing our “war stories” of past relationships. We both have battle scars…which got me thinking…

Why is it that so many people choose the wrong partner?

Why do people stay in the relationship, if the relationship is toxic? What do people hope to find? None of the answers are easy to define and if you ask three different people, you might get three different answers.

My friend did share his thoughts on the topic and here is some of what he told me :

“I want to tell you what I’m hoping to find in the future. I’m looking for a soul mate who brings happiness to my world (my family and me); Someone I can’t wait to hug at the end of the day; Someone who supports me and accepts my kids as their own; Someone who makes me laugh;Someone I can trust and always has my back; Someone I can say anything to…Growing up was tough. Love wasn’t something that I ever experienced. It’s simple: All I want is to love my partner and be loved back. That will make me happy.”

Isn’t that what we all hope for?

According to Ken Page, a New York based psychotherapist and author, “love is closer than we think, if we change the way we look for it.” In his article, A Message of Hope for Anyone Seeking A Relationship; Why single people seeking love have great reason to be hopeful, he writes:

“As we develop our capacity for intimacy, we find ourselves meeting—and being attracted to-emotionally available people who value us for who we are. Why that happens, I don’t fully know; but it’s cause for great hope. Dating does not have to be a painful numbers game that favors the young and stereotypically beautiful. No matter what your age, weight or life circumstances, if you follow these three suggestions, your dating life will change and you’ll feel yourself moving closer to a truly loving relationship.”

In searching for love, the three suggestions Ken Page reveals are:

1.      Lead with your gifts. Core gifts are unique and when they are acknowledged, they broaden the path to intimacy.

2.      Discover your own intimacy lessons. This means, develop insights on the behavior that touches us deeply.

3.      Only choose inspiration. Ken Page writes “These are attractions that draw us to people who are kind and available; people who inspire us simply by who they are.”

To read more…

Ken Page believes “We have the power to change our dating life—and our future.”

If he’s right, then finding a soul mate has nothing to do with destiny. It has a lot more to do with making the right choices.

Just food for thought…

“Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice;

it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”

~William Jennings Bryan

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Article first published on BrooWaha as Building Bridges

“People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.”~Joseph Fort Newton

It’s a gray morning. Another relationship has just ended and she sits alone, wondering why. Why is she always the one to leave?

She runs away from love the way a child runs from a bee’s sting. She hates being alone but is stuck in a destructive pattern where she creates her own loneliness. She builds walls to protect her but the walls prevent love from getting in.

When will she learn to build a bridge?

Bridges do more than to connect. They help us surmount obstacles and reach places that we dream about. But constructing a bridge takes time, patience, ingenuity and planning. Once constructed, it re-shapes our environment into a friendlier place. The load we carry is made lighter and the path is made easier. People should build bridges and not walls.

My friend is a woman who reflects on past relationships and regrets each loss. But like a butterfly, she’s free to fly away, leaving her partner to wonder why. She wonders why too.

So why do people, like my friend, set them self up for heartbreak and loss?

Why do they run when things are good, fearing that things will have to turn bad? Is it a need for control?

According to Dr. Gerry Heisler, a clinical psychologist dealing with relationship issues, it may be just that. In his article, You Can Be Too Controlling For Your Own Good and Drive Lovers Away: You can drive away the love you seek by being too controlling, he writes:

“Any time you are in a relationship, the person who cares the least about the other is the one who is in control of the relationship. This is the person who is more likely to be the dumper and not the unfortunate dumpee. Being in control may allow you to stay protected but it more often leads to boredom because you may not be that emotionally invested. You can evolve to the emotional state of feeling blah. This is where it doesn’t matter if your partner stays or leaves. These kinds of relationships lack the intensity people in genuine relationships may experience. If you remain in control, you may frequently feel unfulfilled and empty, but you also may avoid the emotional roller-coaster of an authentic love relationship love.

Some people need to consider relinquishing control because over-controlling blocks intimacy. While guarding against being hurt and searching for some kind of guarantee that the relationship will work, some remain cool and inflexible. To control yourself less, you need to let yourself feel vulnerable to another. This certainly can create anxiety and even fear.”

False Belief: Control Brings Safety

In my friend’s case, she needs to be in control. She believes this will protect her. By pushing her partner away, building walls, she will somehow avoid the possibility of pain. This need for control is what’s preventing her from building a healthy relationship (or bridge) between two unique people.

Fearing rejection or possible hurt is the wall. She needs to open a window and let love in, like fresh air. She needs to allow herself to be loved for she deserves to experience the warmth that real love brings, like the warmth of the sun- get out and play in the warmth and don’t worry about being burned. Enjoy being loved. If she hates lonliness, she has to stop creating it. See a therapist and learn how (if it’s needed).

I’m no shrink; just a part-time freelance writer.

I feel for my friend (and for anyone like her). Maybe that’s why I needed to write this, hoping she might read it and consider the possibility that she needs to live in a world without walls. If she really wants to be free, like a butterfly, then she has to become fearless and take risks.

I hope she (or anyone like her) will begin to understand how walls hinder travel. A butterfly can not fly through a wall. It can only light on it and if it remains “stuck”, will sadly never experience the fun or excitement one will feel when crossing a bridge.

If only my friend would find the courage (that I know she holds inside) to cross it. Beauty is waiting for her on the other side.

One of my favorite songs is posted above. Sheryl Crow sings and the lyrics make me think of my friend. (Note to friend: I’m on your side!)

Lyrics from “Always On Your Side”:

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
This isn’t how it’s really meant to be
No it isn’t how it’s really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear,
Try to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I’m left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I’m always on your side

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Article first published on BrooWaha as BTW: Vulnerability Is Beautiful

It was 4^th of July weekend and plans were set. I suggested icecream; that was a “safe” bet for our first, possibly last,meeting. I opted out of Plan A: meeting him for dinner. Dining with a stranger might pose a problem.

What if my blind date looked like Jabba the Hutt, that Star Wars character?

Ice cream was smooth, easy to “suck down” and fast, but a full meal? That wasn’t a safe option. If  I wanted to flee The Galactic Republic and ate too fast, I’d be following dinner with the Heimlich Maneuver instead of a sweet desert. Most importantly, I didn’t want to ruin a perfectly good blouse. So, we made plans to have icecream.

Ah…the beauty of blind dating…

It was a sunny afternoon, and as I pulled into the parking lot, I saw him waiting for me by the stand. Instantly I knew, even before I had parked my car… I knew. I was there to enjoy good ice cream and there wouldn’t be any connection.

He was very nice, educated and had a lot going for him. What was missing was that mysterious “chemistry”; the illusive combination of physical attraction and natural pheromones.

So, I enjoyed my root beer float (I chose a float over a cup of ice cream; much faster to consume), our short conversation, but knew I didn’t want a second date.

When the “date” was wrapping up, he asked me what I had thought about our meeting (Translation: He wanted to know if I would want to meet again) and  I fumbled for the right words.

“Uh…um…you’re very nice…I don’t know…what do you think?…” (How could I tell this nice man that I wasn’t interested? I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.) And his response:

“I don’t think there’s a connection.”

Phew! I dodged a bullet…but, heh! Just wait a minute…HUH???

We’re talking Beauty and the Beast here (okay, maybe I’m exaggerating) but what he had just shared came as a complete surprise.

My immediate response: “Oh, good…I feel the same way….”

But I was baffled and couldn’t help myself from probing further:

“But if you don’t mind, what’s your reasoning?…I’m just curious…”

That’s me; transparent like scotch tape.

Most people would want to know the why behind someone’s thinking, but be too afraid to ask.  I was comfortable in my own skin and didn’t care what he thought. I wanted to know and so I asked.

His answer: “You’re a great catch …but I sense…a vulnerability…”

Really?

So, I bid Jabba ado and drove home.

I reflected on our conversation and my impressions of the man. He had struck me as being a “tight shirt”, closed, guarded, and maybe camouflaging his true self. Let’s just say that he didn’t have “fun” written on his t-shirt.

And how did I come across? Who knows…I really didn’t care. I was just being me; authentic, open, fun-spirited, natural and his opinion of me didn’t matter.

We were definitely a mismatched pair of socks.

We were completely opposite in style and demeanor. And although I was happy and relieved that I didn’t have to be the “bad guy” and say; “I’m sorry, we’re not a good fit”, his remark bugged me and I began to wonder:

Is being vulnerable a bad thing?

In some contexts, maybe it is; if  the person is setting himself up for an attack or injury (like repeatedly choosing the wrong partner, ending up in an abusive relationship, or repeating a pattern of behavior that is destructive, unhealthy, damaging to his/her own ego…). By that definition, I didn’t see myself as being vulnerable at all.

So, what did Jabba mean?

Didn’t he ever read the quote by Brene Brown? : “What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.”

According to the Tiny Wisdom Blog’s article on being vulnerable:

“To be vulnerable is to be free. It gives you a break from trying to pretend you’re always right and you don’t have any flaws. It gives you permission to show your authentic self and stop taking responsibility for the way other people perceive you. It allows you to try new things and take the risk of feeling awkward or uncomfortable. It also opens you up to the possibility of pain. We never know when we let our guard down that other people won’t hurt us, unintentionally or otherwise.”

Mathew Hutson, in his article, Social Life, Mind Meld, considered vulnerability to be a good thing and one of five catalysts for building a strong connection; the other four being proximity, resonance, similarity and shared community.

He wrote:

“Vulnerability; Opening up to others by sharing personal information, admitting to an embarrassment or even just expressing an opinion or emotional reaction immediately deepens the interaction.”

Ken Page, LCSW, is a New York based psychotherapist, author and lecturer specializing in the search for intimacy.  His insights about the search for love have been featured frequently in the media. He wrote, How to Love Yourself First , an article on the topic of becoming your authentic self.

He reported:

“In my favorite Chipmunks episode, Simon falls head over heels in love, but has no idea how to win the (chip)girl’s heart. Dave exhorts him, “Just be your-self.” In response, Simon wails, “I tried that already!” When our authentic self doesn’t work in the world, we create a false self which lets us feel safe and accepted–but at significant cost. The great psychoanalytic theorist Donald Winnicot said, “Only the true self can be creative and only the true self can feel real.” I would add that only the true self can bear the risk of deep intimacy.”

In my opinion, finding a genuine person, open to real intimacy, is like finding a buried treasure…

It takes some digging, luck and is never easy to uncover.  If Jabba perceived me to be direct, open, honest and completely comfortable in my own skin, then yes; he was quite accurate in sizing me up and stamping me vulnerable.

Adlai Stevenson wrote: “We travel together, passengers on a little spaceship, dependent on its vulnerable reserves of air and soil; all committed for our safety to its security and peace; preserved from annihilation only by the care, the work, and I will say, the love we give our fragile craft.”

“If we all are riding on the same space craft, doesn’t that make each one of us vulnerable?”

And maybe….on that beautiful summer afternoon in July…. if a connection had been created by pixie dust…spawned by the mysterious union of physical attraction and compatibility, that only occurs  when every lunar star in the cosmos lines up perfectly and magically, like the fireworks on the fourth of July ….maybe on that particular day…

Jabba wasn’t ready for love at all

According to Joyce Brothers, the American psychologist, television personality and advice columnist: “Love comes…When you dare to reveal your true self fully… When you dare to be vulnerable”

For what it’s worth, being vulnerable is alright with me.

Jabba, if you’re out there…

If you happen to land on this post, floating and sparkling in a virtual cosmos called  blogs, I hope you will consider my point. Vulnerability isn’t a flaw, in all cases. Like a rough diamond, without polish, it’s beauty is real and cannot be re-created in a lab.

Oh… and one other important point… maybe ask for  less starch in your next dry-cleaning.

Happy Fourth of July!

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Article first published on BrooWaha: Paris Anyone?-What’s the right answer:Find a soul mate or complete yourself?

Who can forget the all time number one love story, Casablanca? The movie, starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, was the sacrificial love story about Rick, the pessimistic nightclub owner and Ilsa, the ex lover who broke his heart. Why did Ilsa break his heart?

And why do so many intense romances have to end in disaster?

According to Ken Page, LCSW, a New York based psychotherapist, author and lecturer specializing in the search for intimacy, it might be because we are all attracted to a particular “type” and this type may not be the best choice for us.

In Ken Page’s article, Recognizing Your Attractions of Deprivation-why we fall for people who are bad for us, he shares his insights.

He reported:

“Even though we may be adults, we often have unresolved childhood hurts due to betrayal, manipulation, abuse and neglect from our caregivers. Unconsciously, we seek healing of these wounds in our intimate relationships. But that means we’re most attracted to people who can wound us in just the way we were wounded in our childhood!

Each of us crashes into the painful wall of our parents’ dysfunctions, and the cruelty of the outside world. This experience feels like a deep loss; a betrayal of what we know life should be like. So we create a “myth of lost love” to explain why this loss occurred. Like any powerful myth, this one frames our understanding of how life–and love–works. As we grow into adults, it becomes the mold that shapes our love lives.”

That might be the reason why some individuals continue to select partners who continue to bring them heart ache. Instead of looking for a “new type”, one that doesn’t support the romantic myth of the love gone wrong, some individuals keep choosing the same “type” who will deprive them of the emotional intimacy they need.

I’ve always been annoyed listening to a woman say; “I want to find my soul mate…that someone who will complete me.” I’ve had to bite my tongue so I wouldn’t say: “If you’re not complete yet, why search for a partner? Doesn’t that mean you have more work to do?”

Why can’t we think of dating the same way we decide whether or not to add a condiment?

Shouldn’t that over-priced and delicious ballpark sausage taste great standing alone? Then, if the guy grilling it asks you “Mustard or relish?” you get to pick the one that you believe will add flavor to the already great taste. The condiment compliments, adds a different flavor, and maybe in time, makes it better, but you don’t NEED to add it at all. It’s already a complete meal.

I remember my first real heartbreak happened right after I graduated from college. I was moping around my parents house, and one night my father tried to console me. His words: “Lu-Angie, chin up. Don’t wait for someone else to bring you flowers. Go out and plant your own garden.”

I’ll never forget those words. What they meant to me were: Love comes and goes but don’t give another person the power to hurt you so deeply. You’ll be fine on your own.

I loved the article, You Do Not Complete Me: Fighting Off “Soul Mates”, by Michael Bruce, the editor of College Sex – Philosophy for Everyone: Philosophers With Benefits.

Michael Bruce wrote:

“The concept of soul mates is passed down through fantastic narratives of lovers finding each other through impossible circumstances, overcoming obstacles, and having an epiphany that they have found the one. The inference from complexity or probability to cosmic kismet is a weak one and should be rejected. The fact that something happened, or failed to happen, does not mean that things couldn’t have happened otherwise or that there is a larger cosmic plan at work. Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you couldn’t feel that way about someone else, or that your feelings will continue (cf. divorce rate).”

I enjoyed reading his reference about the old Seinfeld show.

Michael Bruce wrote:

“I hear the counterbalance of soul mates in an old episode of Seinfeld, “If there’s a woman that can take your presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hold onto her like grim death…which is not far off, by the way.”

Understanding romantic love

Romantic love needs to be better understood and some people, like Linda Mayes, M.DD, an associate professor at of child psychiatry at Yale University, is trying to help that happen.

Her study, on the process of “falling in love, used Yale students in romantic relationships for their research.

Joan Arehart-Treichel reported the news in her article, Falling in Love: Is It All Flowers, Chocolate, and Oxytocin?

She reported:

“They asked students questions about their mental states during the periods of when they fell in love, in the hope of gaining some insights into the process. An example question: “What did you find especially attractive about your romantic partners?”

Mayes said that she suspects that falling in love might be akin to an obsessive-compulsive state because when young people fall in love, they are excessively preoccupied with each other.

If falling in love is similar to an obsessive-compulsive state, it may well be due to a rise in the hormone oxytocin, she believes. One reason why she suspects that this is the case is because oxytocin is known to underlie pair bonding and parenting.”

Neuroscience and romantic love

Believe it or not, with the advances in neuroscience, studies are underway for how the brain responds to heartbreak and what we can learn from the findings.

Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a research professor at Rutgers University and well known anthropologist, presented last to the APA annual meeting, new functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) data on the brain in love and showed how this brain system affects worldwide patterns of marriage and divorce and crimes of passion. Philip Muskin, M.D., a member of APA’s Scientific Program Committee, reported the news in his article, Imaging Data Uncover Mysteries of Love, in April of 2004.

In his article, Muskin, reported:

“Fisher maintains …changes in romantic attraction across time are adaptations for childrearing; that this brain system is closely integrated with brain networks for hate/rage; that “frustration attraction,” “abandonment rage,” and “rejection depression” are Darwinian adaptive mechanisms; and that romantic love can become a life-threatening addiction.”

So whether you believe in fate (the idea of a soul mate finding you) or Darwinian theory I still have to question;

What should we instill in our children when it comes to “looking for love”?

Do you search on match.com or wait for love to find you? I still believe the answer can be found at the ball park, outside with the vendors. Why “wait” for the magical appearance of relish when that ball park dog tastes pretty great on its own?

Maybe we tell our kids; life should be enjoyed whether someone is meeting you for dinner or you decide to eat alone at the bar. Who said we “need” someone else to make us complete?

If the relish looks good-sure, pour it on; but there is nothing wrong with standing alone.

Too many women hold on to that old notion, set in 1942, after watching those two star-crossed lovers in Casablanca. Instead, shouldn’t they listen to Sam, the piano player? Remember that famous scene where Ilsa says “Play it Sam” and in the song we learn that  “The fundamental things apply…” I agree with Sam.

Whether it’s 2011 or 1942, “We’ll always have Paris”. Whether we travel with a companion or tour by ourselves, it’s important to remember that condiments are never needed when dining on fine French Cuisine. It’s beauty stands alone.

Shouldn’t our daughters be taught that?

REFERENCES:

Psychiatric News February 1, 2002
Volume 37 Number 3 Page 21
American Psychiatric Association

Psychiatric News April 16, 2004
Volume 39 Number 8 Page 73
American Psychiatric Association

Psychiatric News February 3, 2006
Volume 41 Number 3 Page 17
American Psychiatric Association

Article first published as It’s Okay – We’re All Broken on Blogcritics.

Bon Jovi Lyrics~”Everybody’s Broken”

“You’re feeling like a stranger, but all your friends are here…When you wonder why you’re breathing; know you’re not alone…It’s ok, to feel a little broken, everybody’s broken, you’re all right…It’s just life…Just keep on going…Eyes wide open…You’re alright…Keep on going”

After a twenty-six year marriage, it ended in divorce. He chose to spend the last four years alone and he recently met someone new. You’d think he’d be happy. During our phone conversation, my friend told me he really liked this woman a lot, but he “isn’t ready”. He is choosing to retreat and be alone again.

I asked him, “Are you happier being alone?” and his answer surprised me:

“No. I don’t like being alone, but it’s familiar….it’s what I’m used to…it’s comfortable…I’m still broken, I guess…”

“The world breaks every one and afterward many are stronger at the broken places.” —Ernest Hemingway (1899–1961)

My friend is like a turtle, moving slowly after his divorce, giving himself time to heal and reflect. He wanted to date but never expected to have feelings so quickly for this woman. “It happened too fast” he told me.

I wanted to ask him, “But is the answer to turn your car around and speed blindly into the sunset or would it be better to put your foot on the break and coast for a while. Catch your breath. Maybe stall in the break down lane but for God’s sake, don’t toss something away that brings you happiness.”

That’s what I wanted to say, but didn’t. The intensity of the new relationship scared him so instead of slowing it down and staying in it, he was choosing to retreat into his cold, hard turtle shell. That’s where he felt safe and protected.

But is this healthy?

We all feel a sort of brokenness after any loss and divorce is like a death-even if you were the partner who wanted it. The transition from married to single causes stress and anxiety and entering a new relationship might feel strange, even uncomfortable for some people.

There is no time table for grief and we all grieve differently. Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., wrote the article, “Coping with Grief and Loss”. In it, they reported:

“There are healthy ways to cope with the pain. You can get through it! Grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life. The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal.”

Another article, “Dating after Divorce-Supportive friends, healthy self-esteem, and a little patience are some of the keys to get back into the dating scene”, written by David Anderson, Ph.D. and Rosemary Clandos, reported:

“Fear absolutely devastates some people,” says clinical psychologist Michael S. Broder, Ph.D., a former radio-talk-show host and author of The Art of Living Single. “It can be the fear of being hurt, rejected or involved, and it can stem from a history of having been hurt or from traumatic relationships. People can be very proficient in other parts of their lives, but the fear of dating can make them stay alone or pine for the relationship they left.”

E. Mavis Hetherington is the co-author of the book, “For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered”. She has studied divorce for more than thirty years and evaluated more than 1,400 families. She worked with Judith Wallerstein and together, they conducted long term studies on divorce. Hetherington agrees with Wallerstein in her book, “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce” when she asserted:

“Divorce is a continuous process, beginning long before the separation and having consequences many years after.”

Hetherington and her co-author John Kelley suggest that despite the suffering of divorcees in the first year, most are doing relatively well by the sixth year.

Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Gina Kemp, M.A., and Melinda Smith, M.A. contributed to the article, “Coping with a Breakup or Divorce-Moving on after a relationship ends”. They reported:

“In order to fully accept a breakup and move on, you need to understand what happened and acknowledge the part you played. It’s important to understand how the choices you made affected the relationship. Learning from your mistakes is the key to not repeating them.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Step back and look at the big picture. How did you contribute to the problems of the relationship?

• Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose the wrong person in relationship after relationship?

• Think about how you react stress and deal with conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more constructive way?

• Consider whether or not you accept other people the way they are, not the way they could or “should” be.

• Examine your negative feelings as a starting point for change. Are you in control of your feelings, or are they in control of you?

Joanna Saisan, MSW, Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to the article, “Relationship Help-Advice for Building Healthy and Exciting Love Relationships”. They reported in their article:

“Everyone’s relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. But there are some things that good relationships have in common.”

What makes a healthy love relationship?

• Staying involved with each other

Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be there.

• Getting through conflict

Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, through, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on being right.

• Keeping outside relationships and interests alive

No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.

• Communicating

Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened. Critical to communication are nonverbal cues—body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm.”

Do you remember Mary Pickford, the silent movie star?

She was quoted as saying;

“The past cannot be changed. The future is yet your power.”

So, my advice to my friend is:

“You’re broken? Join the club. Happiness is a choice. You can live your life alone, protected in your hard, green shell; but think of all the fun you’ll be missing. Work through your fears and be patient with yourself. Don’t walk away from a relationship for the wrong reasons. Get support (see a therapist if needed). Most of all, take care of you and don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no time table for grieving. Take baby steps and sooner or later you’ll be running again.”

It’s not easy, but it can be done. If you don’t believe me, listen to Mike Fleischmann. On his blog, Truth On the Fly, he wrote:

“Most people that you meet live in a no man’s land. They aren’t really happy – but they aren’t un-happy enough to do something about it. The key is to take our dissatisfaction with the present and convert that an energy that propels us toward a future that is transformed.”

Forget acting like a turtle. Think: Butterfly.

Reference

1. Wallerstein JS, Lewis JM, Blakeslee S: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. New York, Hyperion, 2000 GLENN H. MILLER, M.D. Bethesda, Md.

2.Hetherington, E. M., Kelly,J: For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. New York, W.W. Norton & Co.,2002, 307 pp.

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Sometimes, I have trouble letting go of the past. Even if it’s moving on from a bad relationship, I can be stubborn like a little girl who refuses to let go of her favorite stuffed animal. The  love gone wrong  is  like that old stuffed animal; ragged, torn and ready for the dumpster, so why do people  hang on?

For whatever reason, letting go of something or someone that was once very important and valued is hard to do. But if it’s broken, damaged or doesn’t fit, letting go is the healthiest thing to do. It’s a conscious choice and it’s liberating.

The Dating Dance

A great article I read recently compared dating to doing a dance. You need to listen to the partner your dancing with and if he steps back, you need to follow and step back too. If he steps forward, you step forward (unless you don’t want to). The key is to know what you want and understand what your partner wants; otherwise, you’ll both end up tripping or limping on the dance floor. If you want different things than you need to find a different dance partner.

I’m no expert on the topic of relationships, but I have discovered some great articles that made me realize, its fun (and sometimes the best thing) to go out on the dance floor alone. Being alone doesn’t have to mean lonely.

Starting over is a gift; it doesn’t have to be sad or a period of regret. Stop looking over your shoulder at what was and  look ahead at what is to come.You don’t have to be a “Little Miss- Down on love”.

If you know someone who is having a hard time letting go of the past or a broken relationship, the articles listed below might help him or her.

There is no magic bullet…only time….Everyday you grow stronger.

Time and the right attitude will set a caged heart free.

Related Articles:

• The Dating Dance

• The Art of Now: Six Steps to Living In the Present

• Everybody Marries the Wrong Person

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Have You Met Her Yet?`~ Know Your Emotional IQ…

“Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.” ~Horace Walpole

My Funny Story:

I met a friend for a drink on Friday night and he talked about his latest “blind date”. He had made plans with the women of another friend to play tennis, a sport he loves, and she agreed. They were to meet at the tennis court around 3 pm and she showed up at 4 pm by cab. Apparently, she had just lost her license from a DUI.

Wait…it gets better.

 As she gets out of the cab holding her tennis racket, he notices she’s wearing bright red stilettos. He tells me with laughter, he wasn’t sure what to say but he did finally ask her; “We planned to play tennis today, didn’t we?”

Her response; “Yeah, I know I told you that I’d play.. but I have Asthma. I’d rather sit at the bar, drink and watch somebody else play.”

We both laughed and as I  was shaking my head, he asked me what I thought her IQ could have been.

 My response:

“She could be as cute as Sandra Bullock, have the money of Paris Hilton and the brains of Madame Marie Curie, but as far as emotional intelligence goes …don’t even want to guess…might be in the negative range…”

He took a swig of his beer and swore he’d be alone forever before dating a girl like that. I told him, “You just haven’t met the right girl yet. My aunt and uncle met in the Frozen food section at the grocery store and they’ve been happy for 45 years. Take heart but never settle. Say no to tennis and stilettos. Shoot for a high emotional IQ. “

What is Emotional Intelligence?

I wrote my thesis on emotional intelligence and how it affects the development of a person’s moral character, outlook and choices.  Attitude takes shape early and is often determined before we even enter school, but we do have the ability to change our outlook and perception at any age. Although it isn’t easy to do, it’s necessary if we recognize our attitude is influencing our life negatively, especially when it comes to how we interact in a relationship.

How our parents parented us, how we watched them interact, how we “received” and interpreted feedback in school from teachers and peers, all these factors influence the way we relate to other people and what our expectations are of them.

Whenever we enter a relationship we bring baggage.

 This suitcase is stuffed with ideas and perceptions we developed from the cradle. This early experience shaped our emotional intelligence: our ability to “read” the other person, resolve conflict, listen, fight fair, calm ourselves from anger or worry.

Studies have proven that boys and girls, later men and women, communicate differently, based on their emotional IQ and verbal abilities.

Rooted In Childhood

The fact is there are two emotional realities that make a couple and they are rooted in childhood.  These psychological and emotional forces will either hold a relationship together or destroy it.  But even if our suitcases differ, a couple can stay connected if they are willing to work at it.

If you have emotional intelligence, you avoid criticizing your partner and saying hurtful things during an argument. You focus on the issue at hand and don’t turn it into a personal attack. A couple who fights well  has a better chance to stay together. The couple who turns a disagreement into a personal attack will have less of a chance to stay connected.

Always Fight Fair

Words taken from “MINE:, Taylor Swift 

“I was a flight risk, with a fear of falling, wondering why we bother with love…it never lasts…

Flash forward…You say we’ll never make my parent’s mistakes…(but) I remember that fight, 2:30 am…

Said everything was slipping right out of our hands…I ran out cryin’, you followed me out into the street…Braced myself for the goodbye cuz it’s all I’ve ever known…then you took me by surprise…You said “I’ll never leave you”…Hold on…make it last… never turn back…we’re gonna make it now…”

Why do some couples have staying power and other relationships are doomed from the very beginning?

Part of it may have to do with the presence or absense of emotional intelligence. Eventually, trouble will hit any relationship and the fun  ”honey moon” will end. Couples with staying power know how to avoid certain pitfalls and they understand the importance of communication in a relationship.

In other words, after a fight, the couple chooses to forgive, discuss and not keep score. Both parnters later evaluate what happened, why it happened, and what to do differently next time. Listening to your partner describe his/her  perception for what “went down” and allowing him/her to describe it through his/her own unique life lens (which will never perfectly match your own !) is important.

Perceptions are as unique as snow flakes that sprinkle like salt from  January’s sky.

 Just because our view may differ, it doesn’t have to  lead to a break up. Emotional Intelligence is necessary to keep a relationship strong and to satisfy both partner’s needs. If Emotional Intelligence is lacking, take heart because it CAN be learned at any age, not just in childhood.

Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s perception, listen, try to understand and never dismiss what your partner is  feeling.

Rolling the eyes, a negative tone, criticism or even body language that conveys disgust or criticism can be hurtful. If this negative behavior is  repeated too frequently it can seriously damage a relationship.

 A person with emotional intelligence will speak thoughtfully, avoid criticism,  and listen well, in an attempt to understand the upset partner, making that partner feel valued, appreciated and definitely not ignored.

Anger becomes contempt and one partner (usually the one with less authority or control in the relationship) suffers from a lowered self-esteem, sadness and sometimes depression.  Again, our ability to respond with intelligence and not over react impulsively with emotion can help a relationship have staying power.

To learn more about Emotional Intelligence,  Daniel Goleman’s book, “Emotional Intelligence; Why it can matter more than IQ” is a great one to read.

Words taken from “Life After You”:

“All that I’m after is a life full of laughter…. All that still matters is love ever after….”   

Emotional Intelligence means playing tennis in sneakers

 and always keeping your sense of humor.

A couple with a high emotional IQ has staying power!

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“If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”~ Katharine Hepburn

Controlling Partners

Relationships are hard. One of my favorite quotes on marriage or the male/female connection is by one of my favorite comedians, Bill Cosby. He has said; “The fact that married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.”

He’s right. It can be like the game, tug of war. Both partners vying for control and so many variables can interfere with the marriage. People, their personal views, how they were raised, their hopes, so many factors to consider and they all can be so different. It’s no wonder that 50% of all American first marriages end in divorce.

One factor that can dissolve a happy union is control.

Not all controlling relationships lead to abuse, be it physical or emotional. But if you’re dating a controlling partner, you should really be aware that it has the potential to lead to abuse later on in a marriage. Watch for signs; get into couple therapy and if changes don’t occur…RUN!

A controlling partner wants to dominate the other. He or she is the captain of the ship, or the king of anything. There may never be an apology following a verbal or physical assault. In the eyes of the controlling or abusive partner, he is never at fault.

So what are the signs of a controlling partner?

There are different articles and books on the topic and although the lists may vary by each author, there are similar traits for the controlling partner.

Warning signs include:

• Finding fault constantly, in the other partner

• He is always right.

• Checking up on the partner: He’ll want to know where she’s going and may call if she’s out too long.

• Criticizes the smallest thing

• Put’s the other partner on the defensive and has her give up her rights to make decisions

• Controls all the finances and makes all the decisions

• Tells her she is incapable of going it alone; tells her she needs him for her survival; convinces her she is too stupid or ill equipped to be independent

• He swears, threatens, yells to intimidate and cause worry

• Takes her power away by having a bank account that he has control over. Money is his weapon against her.

• Things have to be his way or no way.

• He makes her feel guilty of everything she does so much so that she always “second guesses” herself.

An abusive act is when one partner deliberately demeans the other and makes them feel inferior, afraid or humiliated. If you are a healthy individual, you’ll recognize this discretion and admit you were wrong; but if the partner can’t see that he is controlling and is making you feel less than, there is a serious problem. Isolated acts won’t cause long term harm, but living with a controlling partner day after day will slowly injure or strip you of your self esteem. Consequences from living with a controlling partner can range from developing resentment, anger and depression to turning to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain and suffering.

What is the answer?

Just like each person is unique and every situation is individual; there isn’t a cookie cutter remedy but some suggestions:

• Seek couple therapy and if your partner won’t go with you, go alone to help yourself.

• Look for support groups in your area and learn what other people in similar situations have done to correct and reverse problems that arise from living with a controlling partner.

• Get yourself help; don’t keep the stress, worry sadness bottled up inside.

• If nothing works and the behaviors don’t change, leave. You owe it to yourself.

• If you have children, do it for them. Otherwise they will be getting a false sense of what a marriage should be and grow up to repeat the destructive relationship patterns.

Resources:

Here are some Resources you may find helpful:

• Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples Harville Hendrix PhD. (Author)

• Couples Companion: Meditations & Exercises for Getting the Love You Want: A Workbook for Couples Harville, PhD Hendrix (Author)

• When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can’t Do Anything Right by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter

• Giving the Love That Heals PhD Hendrix (Author)

You should check out the American Psychological Association

You’ll find articles for free download in PDF format, on this topic.

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I’m still missing you…

They say time heals, so why isn’t time helping me?

We were  best friends or so I thought.

You turned out to be selfish with your love and only gave me part of your heart.

You couldn’t love me ; only yourself
So I walked away.

I’m wanting you to end up lonely but

I’m left  wondering, what if I had stayed.

I’m trying to hate you, but find it hard.

Why did you build a wall?

Leaving me to delete all traces of you…

Life goes on.

I’ve  been dating.

But sometimes I imagine it’s you and not him holding my hand.

Maybe I’m wrong “using” another to forget , but I’m determined to let go of an imaginary love.

It only broke my heart.

What a fool I was to believe in you.

Why did you have to lie ?…

You’re unable to love anyone fully.

You’re a victim of love,  Why?

Fearing commitment;  the thought of  abandonment, too powerful ?

Crazy thoughts take over so  subconsicously  you nuke the one love that might  save you.

Now, I’m with him, but  it’s you I dream about.

And I’m still missing you…wishing I didn’t walk away…

But I had to leave.

Because you could only love me with half of your heart.

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“Forget your past my good bye girl…

you’ll find your home at last.”

~ Song from “The Goodbye Girl“, sung by David Gates

A Few Words Of Caring…

After a while you learn the subtle difference

between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts,

and presents aren’t promises…

and you begin to accept defeats with your head up

and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain,

for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really CAN endure…

that your really are strong

and you really do have worth,

And you learn and learn…

With every goodbye…

You learn.

~ANONYMOUS~

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