Article first published as One True Love Story for Valentine’s Day on Blogcritics.

Valentine’s Day is only a week away and recently, while I was waiting in the check out isle at my grocery store, I overheard two ladies talking about the up-coming holiday. One of the woman was in a new relationship and looked forward to the day of red. The other woman, who reminded her friend that she’s been married for more than fifteen years, listened to her friend swoon about her new love interest, rolled her eyes and wearing a smirk, tartly remarked; “That’s nice but have you ever heard this quote?…

“Love is like a card game. You start by playing with two hearts and one player wants the diamond. It ends with one or both players wanting a club and a spade.”

When she finished reciting the quote, she smiled at her friend and now the woman “in love” was rolling her eyes at her longtime married pal. Obviously, these two woman didn’t agree about the significance of Valentine’s Day or share the same feelings when it came to celebrating the holiday, and to be truthful, many people might agree with the cynical woman.

Whichever side of the fence you’re sitting on (planning that Anti-Valentine Day Party or picking out chocolates for your special honey) the topic of love has always been popular, even before Chaucer made it courtly in the Middle Ages.

If you’re dreading the day, this true love story might melt your cold heart. The main characters aren’t Romeo and Juliet but George and Pearle. It goes like this…

“Real love stories never have endings”~ Richard Bach

It was a blue-sky- hot-and- humid- summer afternoon in July and I was beginning my shift at the nursing home, caring for elderly patients. Every morning, like clockwork, George, an eighty five year old gentlemen, would be transported to our facility, by the assisted living senior bus, just in time to have breakfast with Pearl,his wife of 60 years. “Sweet Girl, Pearl” (as George affectionately referred to her) had been admitted into our facility that April and George was trying to adjust to living apart from the love of his life. George was told that Pearl would probably never leave the facility.

Pearl had been diagnosed with having Alzheimer ’s Disease and it was progressively getting worse. In its later stages, Pearl had forgotten how to walk and was confined to a wheel chair that George would push around the home, wearing his famous crooked smile. “Just taking a tour with my beautiful wife.” he’d say, as he tipped his Red Sox baseball cap to me. I’d usually spot them together outside on the patio, holding hands in the shade. They sat in complete silence but both would smile at anyone who passed by. Unless George was pushing Pearl in her wheel chair, they were always holding hands.

By June, Pearl stopped recognizing George, but this didn’t seem to bother him. Every morning, he’d routinely arrive by his senior bus, greeted his wife with a soft kiss on the cheek and wheeled her down to the breakfast hall. George would hold a fork to feed his wife with one hand, and use his other free hand to hold on to his wife. They were forever holding hands, smiling and sitting in silence.

It was shortly after the fourth of July, and George had not yet taken down the red-white-and-blue decorations he had brought the week before to decorate Pearl’s room with. As soon as I wheeled another patient to the cafeteria, I felt something was wrong. Something was different today. George and Pearl weren’t sitting at their usual spot, having breakfast together. I told another nurse that I wanted to go to Pearl’s room, just to check on them.

When I entered the festive and patriotic corner of the room, which was first divided by a curtain that provided privacy for Pearl and her room mate, I noticed right away that something was off. Pearl was staring up at the ceiling and George, still holding her hand, lifted his head to look at me. It had been buried in Pearl’s lap, and when he greeted me with, “Hello, Dear” I could tell that he’d been crying. As I neared Pearl’s bed, I could see she wasn’t breathing and I immediately paged the floor’s doctor and started CPR. After the doctor arrived, he confirmed what I already knew. Pearl was gone.

George told me that Pearl had waited for him. He had sat by her bed, held her hand and for the first time in months, she recognized her beloved husband and actually spoke to him. “George, our love will never die. I love you, my dear, dear George.” Then she closed her eyes and left peacefully.

George was remarkable. He had been there every day and even though Pearl, due to poor health, was unable to give him what he may have needed and probably prayed for ( to recognize him and talk about their grand kids), it didn’t seem to matter to George. He was there for her and that was enough to make him happy.

Before George left, he gave me a bear hug. He thanked me for helping his wife and from my sniffles; he could tell that I’d be missing Pearl too. He told me not to be sad, that everything was okay. I was embarrassed that he was comforting me when it should have been the other way around!

I waited with George outside. His senior bus was called to make a special pick up. The last thing he said to me, before he tipped his cap, smiled his crooked smile and boarded his bus to leave our facility for the very last time, was;

“Pearl hasn’t left me. She’s still here. She’ll always be with me. Our love is too strong to ever die.”

As I watched the senior bus pull out of the lot and into the main street, George waved to me through his window and I tried to smile, but it was forced.

For whatever reason, that line made so popular from the seventies movie, Love Story, with Ali McGraw and Ryan O’Neil, played in my head “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I never understood that line and had always disagreed with it and today George’s line, the one he often would say to me and the other staff during one of his visits, would be forever ingrained in my mind; “Love means never having to say a word, but knowing you are loved. Just be present.”

I wish there were more Georges out there who understood the true meaning of love.

Even if Jay Leno said it’s just a day to extort from men, try to have yourself a Happy Valentine’s Day!

Another inspiring love story about an elderly couple who reunited after decades of separation following the war can be found at this link: Reunited Love

And to turn this post into a completely sappy entry—here’s a video of a great valentine song that you might want to send to someone special. Kina Grannis has a beautiful voice so it’s definitely worth a listen.

Fast Tube by Casper

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We feel helpless in the presence of someone suffering.

The words “I’m so sorry for your loss” seem empty and meaningless but those are the words most of us use when we try to comfort  friends or family members who are grieving.

Professional caregivers are trained in the area of communicating with family members and the individual who is terminally ill. In order to communicate effectively, you need to understand what grief is and understand its effect on relationships. The following information and suggestions were taken from my training with Beacon Hospice, located in Boston, MA,  when I was learning skills for becoming a hospice worker.

What is grief ?

Grief is a natural process that is different for everyone. It’s a reaction to loss whether it’s physical (i.e.; a death), social (i.e.; a divorce), or occupational (i.e.; unemployment).

According to theorist Kubler Ross, there are five stages to grief:

• Denial-The person is unable to believe the loss is real.
• Anger- Placing blame on God, the doctor, even the deceased himself
• Bargaining-Making a deal with God, “If you let him live, I will…”
• Depression-sadness that can turn into a serious problem if it lasts more than 2 weeks.
• Acceptance-Accepting the loss and feeling a sense of peace.

What are the responses to grief ?

There are different responses to grief and the symptoms for each response vary but might include:

• Emotional Response: anger, hopelessness, anxiety, guilt, sadness, panic, numbness, emptiness, relief
• Physical Response: an increase or decrease in appetite, lethargy, headache or stomach ache, restlessness and sleep disturbances, crying, shortness of breath
• Mental/Cognitive Response: confusion, trouble concentrating, decreased attention span, difficulty accepting the loss as reality, continually thinking about the loss, memory problems
• Social Response: change in work performance, disinterest in others, withdrawal, fearful
• Spiritual Response: blame God, search for meaning in the loss and awareness of life’s fragility, experience the presence of the deceased, question one’s faith

People who are grieving can have behavior changes on a daily basis. One day they’re happy to see you, the next day they don’t want any visitors. Don’t take it personally because the grieving process can be a roller coaster ride.

Families trust professionals that know their loved one and every interaction should be positive and used as an opportunity to build trust. There are cultural differences and it’s important to be aware of them, but generally there are basic communications skills to follow, when comforting a family member who is anticipating loss or experiencing it.

Necessary caregiver communication skills:

• Be an active listener to the message, not the words
• Use eye contact
• Be present. You don’t have to say anything, just let the family member know you are there for them and listen. Be a strong shoulder, interact with positivity, and avoid jargon. Use their name, lean forward, hold their hand, smile. Be comfortable with silence.
• Be aware of your facial expressions and body language
• Have compassion and empathy. Allow the family member to express feelings without fear of criticism.
• Never say, “I know how you feel.” You don’t! Think of yourself as someone who is walking alongside the person who is grieving; not behind or in front of. Don’t tell them how they should feel.
• Witness the grief, but don’t participate. Model a different behavior. Act, don’t react.
• Have a sense of humor (when appropriate)
• Detach
• Listen to the stories or be comfortable being still. Realize emotional and spiritual pain is necessary for healing.
• Don’t give advice unless the family member asks for it. If you don’t know the answer say, “I don’t know but I will find out who does.” Refer to the person’s physician, case manager, social worker or another member of the hospice team.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself.

• Make sure you are getting enough rest and respect your own needs.

Grieve on your own time; remain strong for the family member. Remember, all interactions should be positive!

RESOURCES:

These organizations provide information and referral service, resources on end-of-life care, brochures on hospice, volunteering, and bereavement.

1. Hospice Foundation of America Phone (800) 854-3402    Website www.hospicefoundation.org
2. National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization Phone (800) 658-8898    Website www.nhpco.org

You can also call your local Social Security Administration, State Health Department, State Hospice Organization, or call (800) 633-4227 Medicare Hot-line to learn about hospice benefits.

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This scene taken from “On Golden Pond“, shows Walter, the main character, experiencing frustration, anxiety, and sadness after getting lost on the old main road, a road he used to recognize like the back of his own hand. This is a great movie clip; a realistic portrait of  Alzheimer’s Disease in it’s early stages.

Alzheimer’s Disease (AD) is the most common cause of dementia, affecting as many as 4 million Americans.It is terminal and has an expected progression with individual variations (about 8-12 years for getting more problematic and worsening with time). It is caused by damage to the nerves in the brain and it makes independent life impossible.

Dementia is a loss of mental function in two or more areas such as language, memory, visual and spatial abilities,  or judgment. Over time the disease will impair daily functioning. It is like a thief, stealing away your logic, your ability to control moods, robbing you of your ability to use “social” skills or care for yourself and it takes away memories(the most recent first , but eventually all)

Some warning signs of AD are:

• memory loss that affects job/home skills
• difficulty performing familiar tasks
• disorientation as to time and place
• poor or decreased judgment
• difficulty with learning and abstract thinking
• unable to care for themselves (in later stages)

According to the Alzheimer’s Association, a definitive diagnosis of AD is possible through examination of brain tissue, but in 90% of cases, there is a clear genetic link that can be traced. Using standardized criteria, doctors are able to diagnose the disease with 85-90% accuracy today, after symptoms are present.

Stress and Aging

Some reports state that living a stressful life can hasten the onset of AD because stress is linked to creating changes in the brain. Besides stress and emotional negativity, caring for an AD relative can be expensive if using outside resources, but if you choose to care for the elderly AD adult, there are tips to help you handle problem behaviors.

Some tips:

• Develop a consistent routine
• Limit mirrors in the home; they can cause confusion and fear for AD patients
• Turn off the tv or distracting noise and put on music (soothing melody is a great choice)
• Bring in a family pet for “pet therapy”
• Tell the person where you are going before you leave the room
• Always stay calm and create a peaceful environment to prevent or limit aggressive or agitated behavior.
• Emphasize the positive

Some tips for communicating with an AD Adult:

• Don’t argue, speak softly, kindly
• Communicate from the same height 9both of you are standing up or sitting down)
• Use humor
• Be a good listener and watch body language
• Use short, direct sentences and give specific information
• repeat if necessary, but keep in simple
• write in large block letters to deliver a message
• Use the right tone of voice(friendly, not bossy or critical)
• Pitch of voice should be deep
• Speed of speech should be slow and easy, not pressured or fast
• Break down a task; ask them an either or question or one that is needed by either a yes or a no
• Be prepared to have the same conversation again and again and use empathy
• Respond using positive phrases “That’s good” or “yes, that’s it”

To learn more about the disease here is a list of helpful resources and links:

• Contact the Alzheimer’s Association by phone (800) 272-3900
• Alzheimer’s Association website
• Alzheimer’s Disease Fact Sheet
• Alzheimer’s Foundation of America
• Alzheimer’s Society (UK)
• CDC for prevention and control

Check out Brain Posts by Bill Yates. It’s a great site on many neurological diseases and he delivers a wealth of information. It’s a blog I follow and you should too!

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(This is a true story, but the names and locations have been changed. Please watch the video by Rascal Flatts; it’s a great song that describes the illness so perfectly…)

It started out like any other visit. I showed up at noon time to make her lunch and help her through her day. She greeted me at the door with a smile, but didn’t seem like her usual self. She complained about the heat and feeling tired and for the first time since I had met her a month ago, she looked her age.

Later in the afternoon, I took her to the grocery store. She can’t drive. She got lost too many times on the roads she once knew by heart so her old Ford 1958 wagon stays parked in the garage. At age 92, Francis is a spitfire; a sweet, fiercely independent women who tells stories about the Great Depression, her only son and her deceased husband who she adores and waits for everyday to come home from work, only to be disappointed by the reminder he died twenty years ago.

We returned from the store where I had teased her about being the mayor of the town, because seven clerks and two shoppers stopped her to give her a hug in the aisles as well as the check- out lane. They were all happy to see her; it had been a while since her last visit to the store. I began helping her out of my jeep. We finally figured out how the petite four foot 10 inch lady could maneuver out of the tall vehicle; by sliding down the seat and holding on to me. As she managed to get her toes to touch down on the pavement of her driveway, she sighed a deep sigh and looked up at me.

“You know, the first 100 years are the hardest.” she told me.  I chuckled to myself and slowly led her into the house. She asked me about six times from the jeep to her front door if I had her keys. Each time I reassured her she had them in her purse. I was sure as I placed them there.

Something was different today.

I just felt like Francis wasn’t her usual self. Later that afternoon, she had asked me if I’d help her use the phone to call her son, who lived on the West Coast. It was hard for her to make a call on her own for she could confuse the number 2 with the number 3 and not remember which number she had already dialed. I dialed the phone, handed her the receiver and began to leave the room to give her privacy, but she held up her hand to stop me and said “Will you sit here and keep me company today when I talk to him?”

“Of course” I answered and then I sat down on her couch. There was something definitely wrong today with Francis. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was, but something was different.

I sat on the couch and pondered what could be going on inside the mind of this lovely sweet lady.

“Hello, Drew, is that you?”

“Yes I’m okay, well…no I’m not today…well, I don’t know I’m just feeling down in the dumps… I don’t know why….just feeling lonely….I guess…

Yes, she’s here…oh, she’s lovely…what did we do today?…oh…”

Francis cupped the phone with her right hand and whispered to me, “What did we do today?”

“We went to the store, I helped you with the laundry and we just got back from taking a ride to see the ocean.” I reminded her.

Francis nodded and went back to her son on the other end of the receiver.

“Well, we… well….I think…we  had lunch and …and…now I’m trying to think of what to have for supper…well, I don’t know.

I was thinking of visiting my sisters…what? …Where are my sisters?…They are all dead?..Even Becky?…No, I don’t remember that…

Well, how about my parents? Are my mother and father alive?

Thirty years ago? Are you sure? …Oh, I don’t know, it’s getting so confusing …I’m all alone…yes I know I have you…No, this is my home and I’m staying. What would I do in California? …No, I guess I’m stubborn, I like my home…okay, you have to go back and work? Okay, you’ll call me later? Yes, I love you too. Bye.”

I watched Francis slowly hang up the phone and she turned to me. I noticed her eyes were watery and her expression was so sad. I had sat the whole time silently on her couch, feeling guilty of eavesdropping through the entire mother and son conversation.

“You know the first 100 years are the hardest. I’m getting so old, I feel like I’m just waiting around to die.”

“Oh Francis, don’t say that.”

“Well that’s how I feel” and then the petite sweet old woman began to cry. I got up from the couch and put my arm around her, I could feel her body fall into mine, the way my youngest daughter always had her body collapse into mine whenever I tried to console her after a bike spill or a bad day on the school playground.

I led her to the couch and we both sat side by side. My left arm wrapped around her like a cape and her head rested on my shoulder. I instinctually began to rock her then stopped myself realizing how odd it was I was consoling a 92 year old woman and not my seven year old.

“Why did you stop? That felt nice. Can you go back to doing that?” she softly asked me.

“Sure”

And so there we sat, an odd looking pair and I sat silent not sure of what to say.

“Francis, is anything bothering you today? Do you have pain like you did the other day in your legs or is it something else?”

“NO, I don’t know what it is. I’m just feeling in the dumps.. .that’s all. I get like this sometimes when I’m tired.”

“You’re tired today? Maybe you should nap.”

“NO, I don’t nap. I’m just lonely is all. Do you have children?”

“Yes.” I answered her again, the way I did every day when she asked me the same question.

“How many do you have?”

“I have three.”

“Do you have to cook them supper tonight or can you stay with me?”

“I’ll stay. They’re in Canada with their dad for the summer.”

“Your husband lives in Canada?”

“We’re divorced.”

“Oh, that’s too bad….Do you have children?”

“Yes.”

“How many do you have?”

“Three.”

“Do you have to cook them supper or will you eat with me?”

“I’ll stay Francis. Don’t worry. I’ll keep you company.”

“You’re so good to me.”

“Well, that’s what friends are for Francis. You’re good to me too.”

“Are you married?”

“No”

“Any suitors?”

“Nope”

“NO? What’s wrong with the men today? You are a beautiful girl. You should have suitors!” She sounded angry and annoyed, lifting her head off my shoulder for the first time to protest.

I laughed at her sweetness and replied, “Well Francis, it’s too bad you’re not a gentlemen or I’d be sweet on you and I’d ask you out for a date.”

She started to laugh, the way I had hoped.

“Can I make you some tea Francis?”

“Okay that will be nice….Do you have to rush home and make your children dinner?”

“No, I’ll stay with you.” And then I hugged her before I got up to get her a cup of tea.

As I stood in her kitchen and put the teapot on the stove I thought about what she had told me.

I had to agree with her; the first 100 years are the hardest.

Alzheimer Disease

If you have a loved one who suffers from Alzheimer Disease, you probably can relate to the conversation I just described. Confusion, forgetfulness and frustration are all part of the mix and if you are the caregiver, you need to have patience and understanding as well as being able to reassure the person 200 times that the house keys are exactly where you told her you put them.

To learn more about this illness, click this link to an article on the disease:

When it’s more than a lost memory…

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When An Elderly Parent Misses His Estranged Child

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about time and how fast it escapes us. Working with elderly clients, many who have Alzheimer s, makes me realize how life is just a blip that falls into a bigger plan. When I care for a client, I love listening to them reminisce about days gone by.

Did you see the movie the Bucket List?

It didn’t get great reviews, but I loved the story. It clearly spelled out life; It’s about people, not things. I’ve never seen a u-haul follow a funeral hearse, but I’ve seen many sad people driving their cars. The movie also made me think about how it’s important to tell someone you’re sorry or that you love them… before it’s too late.

I knew someone who was estranged from his father for years. There was a disagreement and the two men were too stubborn to be the first to offer the olive branch. That’s just wasted honor, like what John Maher sings about.

Why not put aside your pride and be the one to contact the parent? Even if the parent was the one who injured you with words and will never admit he was wrong, isn’t the parent child relationship more important to salvage?

What happened to that friend of mine?

His father died on a beach from a heart attack and my friend never got the chance to say he was sorry and “I love you, Dad”. His father died young, only in his fifties and was in great health; or so they thought.That happened seven years ago and to this day my friend is haunted with guilt that he never patched things up with his Dad.

A parent child relationship is an intimate bond that goes through so many stages.

Some parents will never understand that their “child” is 52, not 12 and continue to scold them or tell them what they are doing wrong. Its no wonder why some “children” decide to put up a barrier because they find the union toxic. It’s okay to have a barrier or draw a line in the sand to tell the parent, “Don’t go there!” But don’t shut that parent out. Try to remember that parent was the one who kissed your cut knee after a bike spill or taught you how to scramble an egg.

What I’m saying is; when I visit an elderly client, the first thing they want to talk about is their kid. If one of the kids has “shut them out” it breaks their heart and they’ll tell me so. They know their clock is ticking and even though they’ve attempted to contact their grown up child, the child’s resentment is too strong and the door stays closed. One day soon, a call will come to that same resentful child and she’ll learn the news from a sibling or aunt that her dad is gone. The man she hated or couldn’t forgive will now leave her with a haunting guilt. Unlike being grounded , this punishment never goes away.

If you know someone that is estranged from their parent, maybe talk to them about the hour glass and how quickly the sand moves through it. It’s okay to admit you think their parent was wrong too; but
moments in life that are wasted never come back. There’s only one dress rehearsal and then the curtain closes.
Like the song says, “say what you need to say” before it’s too late.

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