Article first published on Expatspost.com, The Resilient Child.

Teaching PE last week, one of my kindergarteners (we’ll call him John) seemed unusually despondent and depressed. He didn’t want to participate in the soccer drills and when I tried to encourage him to join in, he responded with “I can’t do it. I don’t want to.”

Well, it’s no wonder that John was unable to be carefree like his classmates. His mom recently tried to commit suicide and he hasn’t seen her for weeks. His dad is MIA and he’s temporarily living with relatives that he doesn’t know very well.

How does a five year old weather this storm? For that matter, how do children today deal with any trauma or set back, be it a parent’s divorce, the death of a close relative, bullying at school? How do you teach kids, like John, to adapt-bend and not break- during hard times?

A New York Times article (March 2001) written by Robert Sullivan posed this same question. In What Makes a Child Resilient?, Sullivan wrote:

“A resilient child has some sense of mastery of his own life, and if he gets frustrated by a mistake, he still feels he can learn from the mistake….Barry Plummer, a clinical psychologist, says that grownups should ‘encourage a kid to master something even if he stinks at school–a sport, music, someplace he can go where he is of value. This can build a pocket of resilience.” (Read more…)

Research has been conducted into childhood resilience. Masten, Best and Garmezy (1990) defined it as the process of, capacity for, or outcome of successful adaptation despite challenging or threatening circumstances.

But why do some kids see the light traveling through the dark tunnel and others get trapped in the darkness?

Can resiliency be taught?

Darlene Kordich Hall, PhD and Jennifer Pearson’s article, Resilience-giving children the skills to bounce back, suggest that resiliency can be taught. They write:

“Children can be taught to challenge their thinking so that they learn to bounce back from adversity. Training early childhood educators to model resilient thinking behaviors in childcare settings has had a positive impact on the educators, the centers and the children in their care. As a society, we need to introduce children to skills that will help them think in a more resilient way when confronted with difficulties. To do this, we need to increase public awareness of the impact of adult thinking styles on the developing thinking patterns of children.”

Hall and Pearson add:

“Research suggests that resilient thinking patterns can be learned by adults and children.¹⁰ Skills that aid habitual use of more accurate and flexible thinking can be absorbed by children from a very early age and can optimize development of resilience.¹¹

The ability to reframe negative events by searching for a perspective that is simultaneously truthful and favorable helps people maintain a realistically optimistic perspective.¹³ For some people, stress and adversity typically create feelings of helplessness and wanting to give up – in others, challenges trigger problem solving, learning and growth.¹⁴”

In their article, they list several thinking skills that promote accurate and flexible thinking including:

• recognizing that our beliefs about adversity affect how we feel, and consequently what we do
• challenging our beliefs about why things happen – uncovering our thinking style
• developing an awareness of common thinking traps or errors
• understanding that our core beliefs about the world may be preventing us from taking opportunities
• gathering evidence to dispute/support beliefs – generating other alternatives
• putting stresses/adversities into perspective
• calming and focusing

(Read more…)

What can parents do to help build resiliency?

Robert Brooks, Ph.D. and Sam Goldstein, Ph. D. wrote,10 Ways To Make Your Children More Resilient. They list ways parents can help children develop resiliency which includes teaching children to problem solve and make decisions, being empathetic to the child and actively listening. (Read more…)

Gaston Bachelard, the French Philosopher, once said:

”Even a minor event in the life of a child is an event of that child’s world and thus a world event.”

Since life will not only be filled with pleasant events, it’s important that we teach children how to reframe negative events and learn the thinking skills necessary to weather life storms.

References:

Oxford Review of Education

Volume 25, Issue 3, 1999

Childhood Resilience: Review and critique of literature

Sue Howard, John Dryden & Bruce Johnson

pages 307-323

¹⁰ Reivich, K. & Shatté, A. (2002); Seligman, M. E. P. (1991). Learned Optimism. New York: Pocket Books; Seligman, M. E. P., Reivich, K., Jaycox, L. & Gillham, J. (1995). The Optimistic Child. New York: Harper Perennial.

¹¹ Seligman, M. E. P., Reivich, K., Jaycox, L. & Gillham, J. (1995); Shatté, A. J. (2002). Presentation at the Reaching IN…Reaching OUT Training Day, November 16, 2002, Toronto.

¹³ Ashford, B.E. & Kreiner, G.E. (1999). “How can you do it?” Dirty work and the challenge of constructing a positive identity. Academy of Management Review, 24, 413-434; Schneider, S. (2001). In search of realistic optimism. American Psychologist, 56 (3), 250- 261.

¹⁴ Werner, E. & Smith, R. (2001). Journeys from childhood to midlife: risk, resilience, and recovery. Ithaca, New York: Cornell University Press; Abramson, L. Y., Seligman, M. E. P., & Teasdale, J. D. (1978). Learned helplessness in humans: A critique and reformulation. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 97, (1), 49-74.

¹⁵ Reivich, K. & Shatté, A. (2002).

Article first published on Expatspost.com, Missing Jessica.

All too frequently, the evening news will highlight a missing child, teen or young adult. Missing persons are so prevalent in this country, that ABC has recently launched a new series called Missing. It stars Ashley Judd who plays a kick-ass mom, searching for her missing son in Europe.

Although missing people are unfortunately an everyday occurrence, the tragic reality hits home when it happens to someone you know. When I learned that Terry Ronhock’s daughter had gone missing, I just couldn’t fathom what Terry must be going through. Terry was the sweet, soft spoken Kindergarten teacher that I had taught with for 5 years, at a school located on Cape Cod. I taught first grade beside her and admired her love for teaching, her caring and nurturing nature and her strong, unbreakable spirit. Learning about Terry’s situation made me cringe. I had to wonder how it was possible that Terry or any parent of a missing child functions day to day and manages to cope. (To read Terry’s story, click Navaho Times).

In June of 2009, Susan Donaldson James wrote an article for ABC News on this very topic. In her article, Missing Child: Nightmare That Never Ends, she wrote:

“Parents of missing children say that the pain is excruciating, and psychologists confirm that the loss can be even greater than when a child dies.” In her article she states that siblings of the missing person suffer equally.

Sheila L. Stephen wrote an informative article, The Missing or Abducted Child, in which she discusses the Amber Alert and shares a missing child timeline. The article provides excellent advice on what parents should do after they first learn that their child or adolescent has gone missing. (To read more…)

There are several organizations offering support to families of missing children. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) is one of them. It’s a nonprofit organization, located in Alexandria, Virginia, and provides information and resources to law enforcement, parents, children and other professionals. It has a 24-hour hot line, a Cyber-Tip-Line, training opportunities, links to education and news, and other important support.

Team Hope is another organization providing support and resources to families. What makes this group special is that Team HOPE matches families with experienced and trained volunteers, who are often family members with children missing or who have been sexually exploited. The volunteers have first-hand experience in living the nightmare of having a child missing. Who better to offer emotional support?

In Terry’s case, time ran out. No organization would be able to help her now. She received bad news this week: Her 21-year-old daughter’s body was discovered by hikers at the bottom of a ravine in Arizona. Authorities are not sure what caused the accident. The Cape Cod Times article reported Terry saying “She’s in a good place now. Wherever she is, God is taking care of her.” This sounds very much like Terry; always finding the positive in something painful and unfair.

I plan on attending Terry’s daughter’s wake, but what will I say to Terry and her family? For that matter, what does anyone say to a parent who has experienced this type of loss or is living the nightmare of having a child missing?

Words will not be enough but my prayers go out to Terry and her family, and all families who have suffered through the reality of not knowing where their child is.

“An individual’s self-concept is the core of his personality. It affects every aspect of human behavior; the ability to learn, the capacity to grow and change. A strong, positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success in life.”~Joyce Brothers

Are you the parent of a child that struggles with self-esteem? Do you ever wonder why this is? When I was a teacher, my heart would be tugged by the child who didn’t see himself as being “good-enough”. Before I had kids, I’d wonder, what is happening at home to make the child feel so insecure with peers, learning new things or socializing on the playground.

Now I’m the mom of teenagers and I realize these thoughts that I had in my twenties BC (Before Children) were ridiculous. The child’s lack of self esteem may have nothing to do with his home environment.

Then, what causes a child to lack self-confidence and not feel great about whom he is?

Building Self Esteem in the Child Who Feels Different, written by Jan Andersen, is a sensitive, well-written article on this topic. In her article, she states that some of the problem may be with the child’s personality and how they view things. She also believes that self esteem begins at birth and that being overweight, having a disability or being in an ethnic minority at school, does not necessarily lead to a low self-image.

She writes:

“In general, the higher a child’s self-esteem, the more competent they are at dealing with the unpleasant situations that life deals and that includes other people’s attitudes towards them. An overweight or disabled child, for example, will be more capable of dealing with cruel taunts from unkind children and will still be able to maintain a sense of self-worth, irrespective of any insensitive jibes that are thrown at them. The higher a child’s self-esteem before adolescence, the more adept they will be at coping with negative peer pressure.”

In her article, she writes that discipline helps the child build self-esteem and that compliments and praise, if over-used, do not. She also provides helpful parental guidelines which include; listening to the child, helping the child learn how to respect personal differences, asking for the child’s opinion, and many other helpful tips. (To read more…)

Maureen Healy is the Founder of Growing Happy Kids, a worldwide organization dedicated to bringing out the best in children.

She wrote an article that was published on Psychology Today’s website called The Highly Sensitive Child and Self-Esteem.  Her conclusion, after responding to the book, High Sensitivity, Low-Self-Esteem by Deborah Ward was:

“Being a highly sensitive adult or child doesn’t equate to having low self-esteem, however it does predispose you to that experience. The antidote, of course, is to have more people, places and things surround you (and your child) that celebrate you exactly as you are – sensitivities and all.” (To read more of this article…)

Another great article on the topic of self esteem, in general, was written by Dr. Richard E. Cytowic, a professor of Neurology at George Washington University and the author of Wednesday is Indigo Blue.

In Image and Ego 1: Bruised, Inflated, or Right-sized?, he writes:

“Our self image almost never matches up with the way others see us because everyone wears a mask. Settled research shows that the nice guy in the mirror comes up short when compared to the judgments of others because we see our mask rather than the person we actually are.”

He discusses the various levels of ego-defenses and gives homework to the reader at the end of his article.

“Pay attention to what you say and do, and see if you can detect the usual defenses you use. It only takes willingness and a desire to get a more accurate fix on the guy in the mirror. You may not like the character you see at first but the effort is worth it because with practice you will get to replace that image with the character you’d rather be.” (To read more from this article…)

My conclusion:

Low self esteem, in a child or in an adult, doesn’t have to be terminal. We can learn to re-program our brain and see ourselves in a better light, but it takes willingness and some effort.

I like to think of it as throwing away the mirror with cracks and buying a new mirror so we can see our self more clearly. By doing so, the reward is an increase in self-esteem.

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What’s Your Idea of the Perfect Mom?

Watch the video above and hear what some people have to say. But is there such a thing as a perfect mother? Do you know any helicopter moms or stage moms? Their definitely ‘not-so-perfect’!

When you think of a stage mother from hell, who comes to mind first? Most people might name Rose Hovick, better known as “Mama Rose” from the musical, Gypsy, based on the memoirs of Gypsy Rose Lee. Maybe you thought of Nancy Glass, the woman who forced her daughter to perform at the Little Miss Elegance Pageant, featured in the BBC comedy, The League of Gentlemen (in the third series, fourth episode).

Lately, stage mothers have been featured in reality shows like Dance Moms on Lifetime television. Dr. Phil even did a show in the spring of 2010, which was titled Pressure for Perfection. This episode showcased a mom who couldn’t see herself as pushing her child too far, instead of encouraging healthy competition.

Fast Tube by Casper

David M. Allen, M.D. is the author of How Dysfunctional Families Spur Mental Disorders: A Balanced Approach to Resolve Problems and Reconcile Relationships. He is also Professor of at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center in Memphis. He wrote a great article, Living Vicariously through Children with a Twist, in which he describes two types of dysfunctional behaviors and a phenomenon he refers to as double bind on achievement. All of these ‘bad parenting’ behaviors have detrimental effects on the child.

In his article, he explains:

“They (the children) are subtly and covertly encouraged to act in ways that are later condemned by the very parents who were encouraging them in the first place…double messages fly when the parent suddenly becomes envious of the fact that the kids get to do what the parents did not get to do…In this situation, the parent becomes depressed when their offspring succeed in living up to the parents expectations of them…the children experience the sudden negative reactions by the parents as betrayals. The adult child living out his or her parent’s dream is in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t position. If they do not achieve, they are criticized, but if they do achieve, they are still criticized or made to feel bad in some other way.”

Dr. Allen goes on to say that the child may react to the lack of parental support by becoming depressed, failing at things on purpose or acting out the parent’s forbidden hostility . (To read more of his article…)

A writer on the popular site, Blogher, with the pen name, “It’s the Elliot Way”, wrote a good article entitled, Sports Parents: Are We the New Stage Mothers?

She described the intensity of these parents and in her opinion:

“It ends up that there is no difference between the stress level of parents in hockey and the stress level of parents in soccer. They are all clinically insane.”

Whatever happened to opening the front door and telling the child to “Go out and play”?

That’s what June Cleaver and Carol Brady did. Free play, or unstructured activity, is no longer the norm. Researchers have even suggested that with the positives, there are negatives, associated with involving the child in too many organized activities. There is a 32 page free PDF available online, Social Policy Report-Giving Child and Youth Knowledge Development Away, which you can access by clicking this link, Organized Activity Participation, Positive Youth Development, and the Over-Scheduling Hypothesis.

The authors, Joseph L. Mahoney, Angel L. Harris, and Jacquelynne S. Eccles, report:

“…there exists concern that participating in organized activities has become excessive for youth. This over-scheduling is thought to result from pressure from adults (parents, coaches, and teachers) to achieve and attain long-term educational and career goals. These external pressures, along with the activity-related time commitment, are believed to contribute to poor psychosocial adjustment for youth and to undermine their relationships with parents.”

Early Experiences Affect Brain Development

Years ago, while earning my Masters Degree, I learned how early experiences greatly influence brain development. Recently, I found a good article on this topic and it’s free to download by clicking this link, Starting Smart: How Early Experiences Affect Brain Development.

The twelve page PDF reports:

“While good early experiences help the brain to develop well, experiences of neglect and abuse can literally cause some genetically normal children to become mentally retarded or to develop serious emotional difficulties.”

This makes me question the parenting practices of the Mama- Rose- Wanna-Be

If parents are pressuring their kids, scolding them when they don’t live up to unrealistic expectations, dressing their toddlers up to look like mini- tramps and have them compete in beauty pageants…isn’t this all detrimental to their child’s development?

I’m not suggesting that to enter a child in a beauty pageant equates a form of child abuse. What I am suggesting is all too often, some parents are unknowingly damaging their child’s self esteem and sending them confusing messages. These kids are the ones that fear failure so much that they are unwilling to try something new. They believe that they aren’t or will ever be “good-enough”. Their  domineering, critical parent’s voice plays like a bad tape in their mind….”You should have done better; Why couldn’t you make that basket?; Second place isn’t what I want for you…”

Child development research, (many documents are available online), could teach every parent some important findings. Every parent should be made aware of the potential and harmful risks of living vicariously through their child or making unfair demands on them. Children should be allowed to be silly kids and play freely, not only in organized sports (where an over bearing parent -coach screams from the sideline).

A New York Times article, Becoming a Stage Mother, written by Lisa Belkin, articulates in one paragraph, what I have tried to say using more than 1000 words in this long- winded post.

She writes:

“We talk about helicopter parenting as though this generation invented it whole cloth. True, we’ve perfected it—spurred by a changing world where being a parent is harder and is layered with more guilt. But overly involved parents have been with us for generations…And didn’t they wonder, in their more pensive moments, about the elusive difference between pushing a child and making his dreams come true? Is it right to insist that children learn an instrument and practice that instrument but wrong to urge them to perform?…Is it O.K. if the motivation comes from them but not if it comes from you? And what about the child who really seems to want to do something but needs a nudge to get started or to keep going?”

She mentions another writer, Linda Shiue, dealing with her own uncertainty about where “encouragement ends and enmeshment begins.” I encourage you to read this article, Have I Turned Into A Stage Mother, by Linda Shiue. It’s a great read!

So…What Makes a Good Parent?

In my opinion, a good parent realizes that his child will only be a child for the time it takes to blink; nor will he assume that his  child “belongs” to him like a material possession. He knows that his child is a gift to be treasured and loved. He will allow his child  to  discover on his own what makes him happy. A good parent understands the power of words and how they should be used to lift up and strengthen a fragile spirit, not used to destroy a budding curiosity or sense of self.

Robert Brault, the writer, said :

“Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.”

I’d have to agree!  But I love what Louis L’Amour thought about how a man’s life is shaped and who ultimately is responsible for who we are to become. He said:

“Up to a point a man’s life is shaped by environment, heredity, and the movements and changes in the world around him. Then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Only the weak blame parents, their race, their times, lack of good fortune or the quirks of fate. Everyone has it within his power to say, ‘This I am today; that I will be tomorrow.’ The wish, however, must be implemented by deeds.”

~-Louis L’Amour, The Walking Drum Pub date: May 1, 1985 (reprinted in “The Reader”)

And don’t forget what Diane Loomans wrote in her book, 100 Ways to Build Self Esteem and Teach Values. 

She wrote:

“If I had my child to raise all over again, I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later. I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I’d take more hikes and fly more kites. I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I’d do more hugging and less tugging.”

Maybe this book should be sent to every bad-behaving- soccer-parent or dance mom… just in case they need a gentle reminder; Gypsy Rose Lee was never voted “Parent of the Year”.

Fast Tube by Casper

RESOURCES:

Parent Further

A fantastic website on learning the positive approach on parenting.

Search Institute:Discovering What Kids Need to Succeed

Another gem with valuable information; serving educators, parents and families, and child care professionals. Learn the importance of Developmental Assets being integrated with curriculum and how it builds character. There is also a resource page and book store with team building game books and more.

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Okay…I’ll confess…my new guilty pleasure is watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on Bravo. Is it the cat fights that hooked me? Maybe it’s the “grown-ups” acting like spoiled out of control children. Could it be the excessive life styles; throwing over-the-top parties, too much shopping, gossiping and back stabbing? Yep, I’m embarrassed to say…the reality soap opera has me hooked.

One episode stands out to me. It was Taylor, the overindulgent mother, throwing her five-year-old daughter a ridiculously over-done, over-priced, over-the-top birthday party. Let’s just say it was nothing you would see in the real world: renting a ranch; a $2000 birthday cake; 200 guests; pony rides; having a (drunk) American Idol sing; a mechanical horse like John Travolta rode in the eighties; and giving her daughter a real horse….really?…Wow! The unremarkable fact is that the five year old was pouty. She appeared to have a miserable time whenever the camera was on her.

When I remember my own daughter’s fifth birthday party, I remember a $4.00 Betty Crocker cake, five little friends, and i-Party favors. We sang happy birthday off key. Despite the low cost and not having an American Idol singer, my daughter smiled the whole day, contrasting Taylor’s daughter.

It raises the question: Is less actually more and is spoiling our kids a form of child abuse? If you ask Dr. Phil it is. He reported in his article Stop Spoiling Your Kids:

“Over-indulgence is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse. Your primary job as a parent is to prepare your child for how the world really works. In the real world, you don’t always get what you want. You will be better able to deal with that as an adult if you’ve experienced it as a child”

In his article, he provides parents with a list of suggestions to stop spoiling their child. (To read more…)

How do you know if your child is spoiled?

Dulce Zamora reports in the article, Is Your Child Spoiled Rotten? :

“A spoiled child has the ‘I want, I want, I want’ syndrome,” says Charles L. Thompson, PhD, professor of educational psychology and counseling at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. “His philosophy of life would sort of be “Life is not good unless I’m getting my own way.”

Zamora writes:

“A spoiled kid is someone who sits inside on a cold day—sipping hot chocolate and watching TV—while her dad shovels snow in the driveway…(quoting Dan Kindlon, author of Too Much of a Good Thing)

He notes that such children often feel entitled not to have to contribute to responsibilities. They also usually have parents that emotionally indulge them—for example, excusing them from chores because they already have a tough school schedule….Life, for these kids, is often difficult, says Schmitt. ‘They are constantly in a tug of war with their environment,’ he explains. ‘They keep smashing into walls because they are living in a world that’s different from the real world.”

The article also provides information on the causes of spoiling, what kids need and how to unspoil your child. (To read more…)

Tatiana Morales, from CBS News, reported the experts view, in her article, Are You Spoiling Your Child? (February 2009). She quotes Audrey Wise, child and family counselor:

“What does ‘overprotective’ have to do with spoiled?…overprotective parents don’t want their child to fail and do everything in their power to make sure this doesn’t happen. But at a certain point, these parents are no longer doing their child a favor. The child becomes accustomed to having things done for him or her, assuming everyone will work for his or her success-and that’s just not true.”

Morales outlines Wise’s tips for how to not spoil a child that include setting limits and sticking to them; avoid comparisons, remembering that NO is not a naughty word, teach charity, stand firm and think about the future. (To read more…)

I guess Taylor, the most unstable out of all the Beverly housewives, never listened to Bill Vaughan, the American columnist and author. He was quoted :

“A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm”

You don’t need to rent a ranch and spend thousands and thousands of dollars to show your five year old on her birthday that you love her. A simple hug and kiss should do. Raising children who appreciate the simple things in life is far better than raising spoiled brats.

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“It’s not my fault that the world is not keeping up with me…”

In second grade, I was diagnosed with “hyperactivity” (now called ADHD) at Boston’s Children Hospital. I was on Ritalin for the next five years and I saw a child counselor from grade 2 through grade 6. But that didn’t stop me from having difficulty with social skills and learning. I hated school and had difficulty at home. I was labeled the “difficult child” in my family which affected my self-esteem.

As a teacher, I worked well with kids with ADHD. Each child was a “mini-me” so I could relate to their struggle and gave them the encouragement I never received in school.

Parents of ADHD kids today have it easier than my parents did. More is understood about Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Ritalin is no longer the only medication or treatment prescribed. Teachers today have better training on how to work with these kids and how to provide the accommodations needed. My teachers of yesterday put me in the corner or scolded me daily.

Even though ADHD in children is more widely understood and treatment has been improved, a child with ADHD still faces challenges in school and in social or familial relationships. Parents of ADHD kids are challenged by leaning to parent their child differently because their child is “wired” differently. Parents have to have a great amount of patience and understanding, which isn’t always easy during an emotional, destructive tantrum.

When I was earning my Master’s Degree in Education, I learned that ADHD has three common characteristics: inattention, hyperactivity and impulsiveness. I learned that kids with ADHD can attend well if the activity is something they enjoy, but if the task is considered boring or difficult, the child won’t focus well.

ADD/ADHD in Children: Signs and Symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder in Kids is a great article on this topic. The authors: Melinda Smith, M.A. and Robert Segal, M.A. list the symptoms and signs, information on the medication to treat ADHD, and myths and facts about the disorder. They also provide helpful links that have parenting tips and tips for school. (To read more…)

What I loved about this article is that they mentioned positive attributes for children with ADHD. All too often, kids with ADHD only receive negative feedback from adults (due to emotional outbursts and impulsive behavior). It’s extremely important to remind these kids that they have talent and gifts!

The authors write in their article:

“In addition to the challenges, there are also positive traits associated with people who have attention deficit disorder:

• Creativity-Children who have ADD/ ADHD can be marvelously creative and imaginative. The child who daydreams and has ten different thoughts at once can become a master problem-solver, a fountain of ideas, or an inventive artist. Children with ADD/ADHD may be easily distracted, but sometimes they notice what others don’t see.”

Other traits listed were: flexibility, enthusiasm, spontaneity, energy and drive. They also state that these kids are “intellectually or artistically gifted.”

If you’re a parent of a child with ADHD, you understand how family life can be disrupted by the child’s behavior and the affect the behavior has on the child’s siblings. The link provided to the article, ADD/ADHD Parenting Tips: Helping Children with Attention Deficit Disorder is a must read!

It provides great parenting tips and information on how to use rewards and consequences. (To read more…)

Pablo Casals, the Spanish cellist and conductor, once said:

“The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn’t been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him.”

Take it from a former child with ADHD; Parents, please celebrate your child’s uniqueness and let your child know every day that he’s loved.

I didn’t get that message growing up so I feel cheated. I should remember childhood as a magical, wonderful time, but my memories involve punishments and scolding, sitting in the corner at school and my mother asking me “Why can’t you be like your sister?”

ADHD is hard on parents and their siblings but it’s hard on the child who has it too. With love and patience, the child will grow up believing he is a “miracle”—just like Pablo said.

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C.K. Kelly Martin’s book, I Know It’s Over, powerfully illustrates first love and how great a loss it can be for a teenager. Readers are moved by the story because everyone can relate to Nick, the main character. Who can forget their first love?  Who doesn’t remember their first heartbreak?

When you’re the parent of a jilted teenager, you experience his pain. You’re affected by his sadness and no matter how hard you try; you can’t get him to move on. He doesn’t want to talk to you about it.

What can you do to help your teen?

There’s a great article found in the Family section on eHow’s site. How to Help a Teen Mend a Broken Heart  provides the parent with eight suggestions; things to do to help the teen move through his pain. From helping them re-focus to just being there, the article reminds parents that if they got through it, their teen will too. Patience is needed. (To read more…)

Heart break isn’t always caused by a romantic relationship ending. Many teenagers show signs of depression after their parent divorces; after losing a friendship; after relocating to a new city; after the death of a grandparent; or after experiencing domestic violence. Illness, change, or any perceived loss can affect a teenager’s mental health.

HelpGuide.org is a non-profit resource which provides excellent articles on coping with grief and loss, among other topics. Bring Your Life Into Balance: HelpGuide’s Free Stress-Busting, Mood-Boosting Mindfulness Toolkit is an exceptional article. It provides a toolkit which includes articles, videos, worksheets and mindful meditation and a step- by- step- guide that teaches you how to use the program.

Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., with Melinda Smith, M.A. and Lawrence Robinson report in their article:

“This toolkit goes beyond coping and traditional self-help to repair your nervous system’s ability to remain in balance so you can experience being both calm and focused throughout the day. It’s designed to teach you skills that, when practiced regularly, can actually change your brain in ways that will make you feel more confident, resilient, and in control.”

This toolkit is beneficial to teens and their parents. It builds emotional intelligence, exercises the brain to bring about positive change, and will help you feel better.

And when all else fails, contact your teen’s doctor. He may be able to refer you to a therapist who has experience in helping teens cope with grief.

David Hare, the playwright and film director, said it best: “Some people carry their heart in their head and some carry their head in their heart. The trick is to keep them apart yet working together.”

Heartbreak and loss is a fact of life. We all experience it for one reason or another. Parents and their teens have the power to move through the pain if they are willing to learn more about the heart-brain connection.

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Article first published as Mother’s Day on Blogcritics.

American culture is funny; always assigning days on the calendar to celebrate special people. What other culture assigns a day just for mom and for whatever reason; it’s always in the month of May?

Some people may not feel like celebrating Mother’s Day at all. Take for example, a friend of mine who has had a strained relationship with his mother for years and today has no contact with his mother at all (she suffers from substance abuse and he finds it is healthier for him to “stay away”). Every year, around this time, he becomes cynical. Just yesterday, he complained about Mother’s Day by saying, “Yep, another day for Hallmark to make money. What’s the point?” He was trying to hide his hurt and disappointment (that I know is there).

More often than not, our “ideals” of what a perfect mom should be blurs with our reality. We grow up realizing that our mothers are far from perfect, or maybe they disappointed us in some way. If you are lucky enough to be “friends” with your mom, then you should be grateful because it’s a real crap shoot. You don’t get to “special order” the woman you will call mom, like you don’t get to pick your relatives.

When I worked with kids, I was always reminded that Mother’s Day isn’t filled with flowers and bliss for everyone. One year, a child wanted to stay in from recess and appeared depressed. He confided in me, “Yeah, my mom is a drunk and I don’t get to see her. My Nana won’t let me. I hate Mother’s Day and I don’t want to make that stupid Mother’s Day card you said we’d be making this afternoon.” That disclosure came from a third grader who learned way too early in life that people (and life) can disappoint.

For people who are grieving the loss of a beloved mom, due to illness, a recent death or maybe distance that was created by divorce….Today may be a day they wish would just hurry up and be over with, already.

And what about the woman who can’t conceive? What is she doing today? Does she take a walk in the park and see other moms, happy, playing with their kids and this makes her feel empty and sad, because today IS a day for mothers, and something she wants desperately but as of today is not allowed in the club?

It’s Mother’s Day. We think flowers, phone calls, family dinners…but are we forgetting those of us who don’t have a reason to celebrate today? Shouldn’t we reach out to them today?

With so many people writing about how great this day is or how great their mom is…Wonderful…That is what Hallmark would expect from any writer.

But if you relate too much to the book “Mommy Dearest” or are wondering today (like you do every year) who your birth mother is and why would she ever give you up for adoption, know that there is one writer out in the cyber-sphere who is sending you a big hug.

Take heart. Yes, it is Mother’s Day and maybe you don’t have a reason to celebrate or even a desire to do so. But force yourself to pick up the phone and call a good friend who has been a good “mother” to you—even if the “mom” happens to be a six- foot- four –male with a go-tea!

If this person has listened to you complain and wiped away tears, pointed out your good points when you were only focused on your flaws…maybe this is the one person to send a card to or just thank by phone or email.

If on this Mother’s Day you find yourself without a mom or with a mom that drives you crazy, it is what it is; just another day. Another day on the calendar to remember that life is about moments in time but everyday should be a celebration of people. Hallmark doesn’t get to tell us who those people are. We decide.

So it’s Mother’s Day and I’m spending it with my two beautiful girls. I just burnt their bacon for breakfast and I’m reminded by my youngest that the only thing domestic about me is that I live in a house. I quickly remind her that there is a reason my favorite two words in the English language happen to be “Take-Out”. Although I’m not perfect and never will be, I’m deciding today, like every day, I’ll try to be the best I can be, for them (and for me).

Have a happy day, whether you are a mother or not, love your mother or not or like Hallmark or not. It’s just another day to celebrate life and the people in it.

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Article first published as National Geographic Airing Inside the US Secret Service on Blogcritics.

National Geographic will air it’s program, “Inside the Secret Service” this Sunday evening, February 20th and Monday evening, February 21st (Check your local listings for the times in your area). The program will give the viewer an inside look at the Secret Service operations and show clips from interviews taken with some of it’s agents. I’ve always found these program’s interesting but this week, I’m definitely tuning in because my brother was interviewed for the program.

My brother Jim; Our families "Golden Boy"

Years ago, my youngest brother was accepted into the United States Secret Service. I remember it took him approximately seven years to get in. Secret Service agents did background checks of our whole family and two men visited my parent’s home to interview them about my baby brother.

My brother’s landlord and neighbors told him that Secret Service Agents had visited his apartment complex to ask questions about him. I remember Jimmy telling me the news over the phone. Then, I couldn’t help myself:

“Oh yeah, they called me and asked me questions too.”

“They did???”- Jim sounded anxious, a little unnerved. “So…what did you tell them?”

“I told them that apart from your living room shrine of Lee Harvey Oswald or your bedroom posters of Gennady Zyaganov and Boris Yeltsin, you were as red- white- and- blue as the  American flag.”

“You didn’t!”

I burst into laughter and then Jim could tell I was having one of those Big Sis “Gotcha” moments. I’ve teased him ever since by nicknaming him; “Golden Boy”. Yep, I’ve always been a little jealous of Jim for getting a job that has won him the family title; “Mom and Dad’s #1 Pride and Joy.”

Over the years, he has traveled all over the world, sometimes on Air Force 1. He’s protected Clinton, the Pope, the Bushes and many others (the list is too long to mention). During the inaugural parade in 2005, he drove the presidential limo, following President George Bush.

Jim is driving the limo (behind the president) for the 2005 Inaugural Parade.

Photo Copyright- Wikipedia.org

“Did you see me Ma?” he had asked our mother during a phone conversation.

Always a joker, Jim knew it was impossible to see him behind the tinted windows. (Although in this picture, I do see my brother’s shirt collar!)

On a regular basis he had protected Vice President Cheney, during Cheney’s time in office. In fact, on 9-11, Jim was one of the agents who brought Cheney to the White House bunker. None of us knew where he was until after the fact and my mom was filled with worry.

I also have pictures of Cheney with Jim. Every year the VP had a Christmas gathering for all his agents and there was always a photo opportunity. Each December, Jim would send me a photo of himself, his wife and beautiful kids taken with the Cheneys; all smiling and standing beside a tall, beautiful Christmas tree.

One of my favorite photos was taken when my oldest niece was only a toddler. Each time, when the photographer was ready to “snap” the picture, my niece would put her little finger in her nose and try to pick it. After the photographer had several unsuccessful attempts, Jim had to firmly hold her little hand down onto his suit lapel (he was holding her in his arms). Jim looks stressed in the shot but Cheney and his wife are laughing. What a family memory!

After 911, I asked Jim what he thought about the event and what was happening in our country. All he would say was “You are much better off not knowing.”

Jim’s a master when it comes to keeping secrets. He doesn’t share much, unless it’s a harmless or funny story about some celebrity who tried to get by him at a White House Dinner. One of my favorite stories involves Whoopi Goldberg (gotta love Whoopi!)

“If they (the celebrities) saw any of us walking down the street, they wouldn’t notice us. But when we’re being the Secret Service Agents, it’s another story. We become celebrities to some of them! Pretty funny…”

Today, my little brother is a Senior Agent and trains the new agents.

I’m looking forward to watching him and other agents on the National Geographic channel and hope you will tune in to the program too because it should be an interesting telecast.

Again, It will air on the Discovery Channel-National Geographic, Sunday, February 20th and Monday, February 21st. (Check your local listings for the times.)

So, I guess my baby bro has one-upped me once again. Mom has been calling all the relatives and all her friends telling them to tune in.

I’m proud of you too, “Golden Boy!”

Read one of the first reviews :

David Hinckley is a Daily News TV critic at NY Daily News.com. His article, “In National Geographic’s Secret Service, the ‘inside look’ only goes so far” can be found at NY Daily News.

More information is located on the National Geographic site, “Secret Service Files”.

More Articles:

NY Times “US Secret Service News“

Atlantic Magazine; “Inside the Secret Service” by Marc Ambinder

LIFE photos of  “Inside the Secret Service“

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Article first published as Diane Sawyer’s “American Heart”: Cincinnati Grandmother Founds School for Children with Motor Difficulties on Blogcritics.

“Impossible situations can become possible miracles.”~ Robert H. Schuller

Donna Speigel is a young and attractive, sixty-year-old grandmother, who owns a successful chain of consignment shops called “The Snooty Fox” in Cincinnati. She is raising her grandson, Dayton, and was told by doctors when he was less than two years old that he would never walk or talk, due to a motor challenge syndrome that mimics cerebral palsy. Donna’s initial reaction was one of disbelief; however her strong faith and invincible spirit kept her going. She has never been one to give up easily.

Donna Speigel with her grandson, Dayton

She began searching for a program that might make a difference in Dayton’s life. Her research soon led her to The Peto Institute in Budapest, Hungary. Their innovative method was called, “conductive education.” Conductive Education is based upon the principle that the nervous system has the capacity to form new connections. By repeating basic motor skills, in some cases four to eight hours a day, the brain manages to send new messages to the muscles to create a desired movement. Five days a week, the child works with “conductors”, or specially trained teachers. The program is used in a group setting because in this setting, the child will be motivated by his peers to complete certain assigned tasks. This environment also helps to promote the growth of positive self- esteem and confidence.

Donna Speigel believed Conductive Education could help Dayton but the problem was that there were no schools using Conductive Education in the Greater Cincinnati area. For twelve months, when Dayton was only 22 months old, Donna would drive her son back and forth to a conductive learning center in Grand Rapids, Michigan for twelve months. She saw a tremendous amount of progress. Dayton went from being unable to move, to rolling over and sitting up. Soon, she decided to open her own center in Cincinnati, to help Dayton and other children with motor related challenges.

Donna contracted the Conductive Learning Center in Grand Rapids to help with the start up, and acknowledges that they were instrumental in helping her get things off the ground.

She also consulted with Patti Herbst, the Executive Director for the Center for Independence, a successful conductive learning center in Chicago. Herbst was instrumental during this undertaking and on a continuous basis, she provided Speigel with support, information, advice and encouragement.

In 2006, The Conductive Learning Center of Greater Cincinnati opened. Today, the center has ten students enrolled and one of them is Dayton, now age seven. Because of this program, Dayton is now walking and becoming increasingly vocal.

Donna Speigel’s new mission is to help educate parents, educators and caregivers on Conductive Education. Presently, there are only 32 schools across the United States and just 22 schools in other countries.

The word is getting out in part because Diane Sawyer recently highlighted Speigel on an ABC World News report. To view the clip, click this link: Finding The American Heart

Sawyer described Speigel’s journey as; “The power of one grandmother and her love – giving children a new lease on life.” Sawyer also went on to say that because of this grandmother’s powerful love, Donna Speigel, is “The American Heart.”

A very fitting description given that yesterday was Valentine’s Day!

For more information on Conductive Education, please visit the Conductive Learning Center of Greater Cincinnati website at www.clcgc.org.

Related Links:

• ABC News Article on Donna Speigel
• CE Awareness Day
• Success Stories

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