What’s Your Idea of the Perfect Mom?
Watch the video above and hear what some people have to say. But is there such a thing as a perfect mother? Do you know any helicopter moms or stage moms? Their definitely ‘not-so-perfect’!
When you think of a stage mother from hell, who comes to mind first? Most people might name Rose Hovick, better known as “Mama Rose” from the musical, Gypsy, based on the memoirs of Gypsy Rose Lee. Maybe you thought of Nancy Glass, the woman who forced her daughter to perform at the Little Miss Elegance Pageant, featured in the BBC comedy, The League of Gentlemen (in the third series, fourth episode).
Lately, stage mothers have been featured in reality shows like Dance Moms on Lifetime television. Dr. Phil even did a show in the spring of 2010, which was titled Pressure for Perfection. This episode showcased a mom who couldn’t see herself as pushing her child too far, instead of encouraging healthy competition.
Fast Tube by Casper
David M. Allen, M.D. is the author of How Dysfunctional Families Spur Mental Disorders: A Balanced Approach to Resolve Problems and Reconcile Relationships. He is also Professor of at the University of Tennessee Health Science Center in Memphis. He wrote a great article, Living Vicariously through Children with a Twist, in which he describes two types of dysfunctional behaviors and a phenomenon he refers to as double bind on achievement. All of these ‘bad parenting’ behaviors have detrimental effects on the child.
In his article, he explains:
“They (the children) are subtly and covertly encouraged to act in ways that are later condemned by the very parents who were encouraging them in the first place…double messages fly when the parent suddenly becomes envious of the fact that the kids get to do what the parents did not get to do…In this situation, the parent becomes depressed when their offspring succeed in living up to the parents expectations of them…the children experience the sudden negative reactions by the parents as betrayals. The adult child living out his or her parent’s dream is in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t position. If they do not achieve, they are criticized, but if they do achieve, they are still criticized or made to feel bad in some other way.”
Dr. Allen goes on to say that the child may react to the lack of parental support by becoming depressed, failing at things on purpose or acting out the parent’s forbidden hostility . (To read more of his article…)
A writer on the popular site, Blogher, with the pen name, “It’s the Elliot Way”, wrote a good article entitled, Sports Parents: Are We the New Stage Mothers?
She described the intensity of these parents and in her opinion:
“It ends up that there is no difference between the stress level of parents in hockey and the stress level of parents in soccer. They are all clinically insane.”
Whatever happened to opening the front door and telling the child to “Go out and play”?
That’s what June Cleaver and Carol Brady did. Free play, or unstructured activity, is no longer the norm. Researchers have even suggested that with the positives, there are negatives, associated with involving the child in too many organized activities. There is a 32 page free PDF available online, Social Policy Report-Giving Child and Youth Knowledge Development Away, which you can access by clicking this link, Organized Activity Participation, Positive Youth Development, and the Over-Scheduling Hypothesis.
The authors, Joseph L. Mahoney, Angel L. Harris, and Jacquelynne S. Eccles, report:
“…there exists concern that participating in organized activities has become excessive for youth. This over-scheduling is thought to result from pressure from adults (parents, coaches, and teachers) to achieve and attain long-term educational and career goals. These external pressures, along with the activity-related time commitment, are believed to contribute to poor psychosocial adjustment for youth and to undermine their relationships with parents.”
Early Experiences Affect Brain Development
Years ago, while earning my Masters Degree, I learned how early experiences greatly influence brain development. Recently, I found a good article on this topic and it’s free to download by clicking this link, Starting Smart: How Early Experiences Affect Brain Development.
The twelve page PDF reports:
“While good early experiences help the brain to develop well, experiences of neglect and abuse can literally cause some genetically normal children to become mentally retarded or to develop serious emotional difficulties.”
This makes me question the parenting practices of the Mama- Rose- Wanna-Be
If parents are pressuring their kids, scolding them when they don’t live up to unrealistic expectations, dressing their toddlers up to look like mini- tramps and have them compete in beauty pageants…isn’t this all detrimental to their child’s development?
I’m not suggesting that to enter a child in a beauty pageant equates a form of child abuse. What I am suggesting is all too often, some parents are unknowingly damaging their child’s self esteem and sending them confusing messages. These kids are the ones that fear failure so much that they are unwilling to try something new. They believe that they aren’t or will ever be “good-enough”. Their domineering, critical parent’s voice plays like a bad tape in their mind….”You should have done better; Why couldn’t you make that basket?; Second place isn’t what I want for you…”
Child development research, (many documents are available online), could teach every parent some important findings. Every parent should be made aware of the potential and harmful risks of living vicariously through their child or making unfair demands on them. Children should be allowed to be silly kids and play freely, not only in organized sports (where an over bearing parent -coach screams from the sideline).
A New York Times article, Becoming a Stage Mother, written by Lisa Belkin, articulates in one paragraph, what I have tried to say using more than 1000 words in this long- winded post.
She writes:
“We talk about helicopter parenting as though this generation invented it whole cloth. True, we’ve perfected it—spurred by a changing world where being a parent is harder and is layered with more guilt. But overly involved parents have been with us for generations…And didn’t they wonder, in their more pensive moments, about the elusive difference between pushing a child and making his dreams come true? Is it right to insist that children learn an instrument and practice that instrument but wrong to urge them to perform?…Is it O.K. if the motivation comes from them but not if it comes from you? And what about the child who really seems to want to do something but needs a nudge to get started or to keep going?”
She mentions another writer, Linda Shiue, dealing with her own uncertainty about where “encouragement ends and enmeshment begins.” I encourage you to read this article, Have I Turned Into A Stage Mother, by Linda Shiue. It’s a great read!
So…What Makes a Good Parent?
In my opinion, a good parent realizes that his child will only be a child for the time it takes to blink; nor will he assume that his child “belongs” to him like a material possession. He knows that his child is a gift to be treasured and loved. He will allow his child to discover on his own what makes him happy. A good parent understands the power of words and how they should be used to lift up and strengthen a fragile spirit, not used to destroy a budding curiosity or sense of self.
Robert Brault, the writer, said :
“Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.”
I’d have to agree! But I love what Louis L’Amour thought about how a man’s life is shaped and who ultimately is responsible for who we are to become. He said:
“Up to a point a man’s life is shaped by environment, heredity, and the movements and changes in the world around him. Then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Only the weak blame parents, their race, their times, lack of good fortune or the quirks of fate. Everyone has it within his power to say, ‘This I am today; that I will be tomorrow.’ The wish, however, must be implemented by deeds.”
~-Louis L’Amour, The Walking Drum Pub date: May 1, 1985 (reprinted in “The Reader”)
And don’t forget what Diane Loomans wrote in her book, 100 Ways to Build Self Esteem and Teach Values.
She wrote:
“If I had my child to raise all over again, I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later. I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I’d take more hikes and fly more kites. I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I’d do more hugging and less tugging.”
Maybe this book should be sent to every bad-behaving- soccer-parent or dance mom… just in case they need a gentle reminder; Gypsy Rose Lee was never voted “Parent of the Year”.
Fast Tube by Casper
RESOURCES:
A fantastic website on learning the positive approach on parenting.
Search Institute:Discovering What Kids Need to Succeed
Another gem with valuable information; serving educators, parents and families, and child care professionals. Learn the importance of Developmental Assets being integrated with curriculum and how it builds character. There is also a resource page and book store with team building game books and more.
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First, June Cleaver was not real, neither was Margaret Anderson nor Harriet Nelson. That’s a Good Thing, because I didn’t have the extra 10 or 12 hours a day I’d have needed to compete with them. What I had was myself, with my very new small son, firmly determined not to make all the mistakes my mom and dad had made. Of course that only meant that I made my very own mistakes, but I comfort myself that they were made with love and good intentions. My son was a beautiful little boy, and the camera loved him. I had a lot of people tell me I should sign him up as a model, or enter him in a contest. Recoiling with horror from such ideas, I made sure he had as normal a childhood as I could and stand behind that decision to this day. I’ve never understood people who want to live through, and push, their children. Childhood goes by so fast, and you don’t get do overs. Parents should let their children Be children for as long as they can.
I agree with you 100%! My children are now teenagers and wasn’t it just yesterday they were playing in the sandbox? Feels that way! What I don’t get is why some parents don’t allow their kids “free time” to just be kids and play outside on their own. That is the time when they can use their imagination and learn social skills (social competencies are learned in unstructured play–provided an adult is supervising to “guide” them if there is a disagreement or “clash of wills” when playing a simple game of tag, etc.
Thanks for taking the time to comment! I appreciate your insight!
Lu