Merriam Webster defines a bully as “a blustering browbeating person; especially: one habitually cruel to others who are weaker.” As adults, we all have memories of the school yard bully taunting us or another on the swings or stealing a classmate’s snack from his lunch box. The bully of yesterday seems “soft” in comparison with today’s bully. Kids today seem to go for the jugular; more violent and cruel in their attacks.
I saw it too many times when I was teaching, especially in middle school. My own son was a victim on his school bus in eighth grade. The bus driver didn’t stop two boys from tying him up with rope. When I called the principal to complain, he reported to me that the bus driver thought the boys were just rough housing. Rough housing? He had rope burns around his neck!
Unlike the bullies of yesterday, today’s bully can reach their target off the playground and away from school. Cyber bullying is the new way to terrorize the victim, and too many kids see the “prank” as just fun entertainment; good for a laugh.
Really? ….just a joke?
Stop Bullycide
What about Ryan Halligan? In 2003, only thirteen-years-old, he had been harassed so much in school and on the internet that he took his own young life. And then there is Megan Meier’s story. Another thirteen-year-old who hung herself in her bedroom closet because of a “joke” played on MySpace. Ashley Grill and Lori Drew are accused of using the internet as a weapon, creating a fake account belonging to a “boy” named “Josh Evans”. They tricked Megan into believing “Josh” was her romantic interest and then ended the hoax by sending cruel messages, including: “The world would be a better place without you.”
Cyber bullying is the new way to attack an individual with social cruelty.
This electronic bullying often involves groups of kids, not just one individual who go after one victim. The mean act is repeated over time and the victim has no way to protect himself.
Celebrities have been pitching anti-bullying messages on television commercials. Sites have been created to help parents help their teen but despite the media campaigns and even new school curriculum promoting a “Zero Tolerance for Bullies,” very little is changing. The focus has always been on the problem, not on teaching the victim how to manage his reaction in a healthy, positive way.
Maybe if the focus were to change, the number of teenage deaths caused by bullying would decrease in number.
The victim can’t control the bully, but rather than seeing himself as powerless, he can be taught to feel empowered and in control. Every child can develop social intelligence; a social awareness that includes empathy and the ability to infer what others are thinking and feeling and the ability to have a positive influence on the resolution of tensions.
One great book helping parents, educators and therapists learn how to better manage life problems is called; The Skill-ionaire in Every Child. Marie-Nathalie Beaudoin, Ph.D. is the author and a highly trained psychologist and she developed a cutting edge model that involves “Skill Boosting Conversations” or SBC and has witnessed wonderful transformations.
Here is a link to help you understand how SBC works: The Heart-Brain Connection: Teaching our children to cope with negative events.
A New Cutting Edge Model
The emphasis of this model is not on the problem but on the effective way to respond to the problem. Even when a teen receives therapeutic help, it can take time to change our emotional responses and the new science of interpersonal neurobiology is teaching therapists a new way to help kids foster a deep optimism and self-worth. New tools like SBC can actually rewire the brain.
The child can develop a wealth of skills that helps him cope and thrive through adversities. Cyber bullying may not ever go away, but if victims are taught skills from SBC and other models developed using new findings in brain research, more kids will develop healthy ways to deal with the bully and the incidence of suicide might eventually diminish.
RESOURCES:
Websites:
Stop Bullying Now has information for adults and kids that include tip sheets, campaigns and an “Ask the Expert” section.
Kids Health for parents, kids and teens has a free PDF download and content on this topic. It has a “help kids deal with bully” section, an “emotional health section,” and a “positive parenting” section.
Parent Further has FAQ’s about bullying
Reputation Defender is a paid program that monitors the web and all social networks for what’s being said about your child; it’s aim is to keep your child safe on the internet, taking control back.
Books:
by Marie-Nathalie Beaudoin, Ph. D.
Heart Transplant by Andrew Vachss
Cyber Bullying: Protecting Kids and Adults from Online Bullying by Samuel C. McQuade III, James P. Colt, and Nancy Meyer
Software:
t is software for computer and internet monitoring to keep track of what your child is doing on the internet.
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