Have You Met Her Yet?`~ Know Your Emotional IQ…

“Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.” ~Horace Walpole

My Funny Story:

I met a friend for a drink on Friday night and he talked about his latest “blind date”. He had made plans with the women of another friend to play tennis, a sport he loves, and she agreed. They were to meet at the tennis court around 3 pm and she showed up at 4 pm by cab. Apparently, she had just lost her license from a DUI.

Wait…it gets better.

 As she gets out of the cab holding her tennis racket, he notices she’s wearing bright red stilettos. He tells me with laughter, he wasn’t sure what to say but he did finally ask her; “We planned to play tennis today, didn’t we?”

Her response; “Yeah, I know I told you that I’d play.. but I have Asthma. I’d rather sit at the bar, drink and watch somebody else play.”

We both laughed and as I  was shaking my head, he asked me what I thought her IQ could have been.

 My response:

“She could be as cute as Sandra Bullock, have the money of Paris Hilton and the brains of Madame Marie Curie, but as far as emotional intelligence goes …don’t even want to guess…might be in the negative range…”

He took a swig of his beer and swore he’d be alone forever before dating a girl like that. I told him, “You just haven’t met the right girl yet. My aunt and uncle met in the Frozen food section at the grocery store and they’ve been happy for 45 years. Take heart but never settle. Say no to tennis and stilettos. Shoot for a high emotional IQ. “

What is Emotional Intelligence?

I wrote my thesis on emotional intelligence and how it affects the development of a person’s moral character, outlook and choices.  Attitude takes shape early and is often determined before we even enter school, but we do have the ability to change our outlook and perception at any age. Although it isn’t easy to do, it’s necessary if we recognize our attitude is influencing our life negatively, especially when it comes to how we interact in a relationship.

How our parents parented us, how we watched them interact, how we “received” and interpreted feedback in school from teachers and peers, all these factors influence the way we relate to other people and what our expectations are of them.

Whenever we enter a relationship we bring baggage.

 This suitcase is stuffed with ideas and perceptions we developed from the cradle. This early experience shaped our emotional intelligence: our ability to “read” the other person, resolve conflict, listen, fight fair, calm ourselves from anger or worry.

Studies have proven that boys and girls, later men and women, communicate differently, based on their emotional IQ and verbal abilities.

Rooted In Childhood

The fact is there are two emotional realities that make a couple and they are rooted in childhood.  These psychological and emotional forces will either hold a relationship together or destroy it.  But even if our suitcases differ, a couple can stay connected if they are willing to work at it.

If you have emotional intelligence, you avoid criticizing your partner and saying hurtful things during an argument. You focus on the issue at hand and don’t turn it into a personal attack. A couple who fights well  has a better chance to stay together. The couple who turns a disagreement into a personal attack will have less of a chance to stay connected.

Always Fight Fair

Words taken from “MINE:, Taylor Swift 

“I was a flight risk, with a fear of falling, wondering why we bother with love…it never lasts…

Flash forward…You say we’ll never make my parent’s mistakes…(but) I remember that fight, 2:30 am…

Said everything was slipping right out of our hands…I ran out cryin’, you followed me out into the street…Braced myself for the goodbye cuz it’s all I’ve ever known…then you took me by surprise…You said “I’ll never leave you”…Hold on…make it last… never turn back…we’re gonna make it now…”

Why do some couples have staying power and other relationships are doomed from the very beginning?

Part of it may have to do with the presence or absense of emotional intelligence. Eventually, trouble will hit any relationship and the fun  ”honey moon” will end. Couples with staying power know how to avoid certain pitfalls and they understand the importance of communication in a relationship.

In other words, after a fight, the couple chooses to forgive, discuss and not keep score. Both parnters later evaluate what happened, why it happened, and what to do differently next time. Listening to your partner describe his/her  perception for what “went down” and allowing him/her to describe it through his/her own unique life lens (which will never perfectly match your own !) is important.

Perceptions are as unique as snow flakes that sprinkle like salt from  January’s sky.

 Just because our view may differ, it doesn’t have to  lead to a break up. Emotional Intelligence is necessary to keep a relationship strong and to satisfy both partner’s needs. If Emotional Intelligence is lacking, take heart because it CAN be learned at any age, not just in childhood.

Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s perception, listen, try to understand and never dismiss what your partner is  feeling.

Rolling the eyes, a negative tone, criticism or even body language that conveys disgust or criticism can be hurtful. If this negative behavior is  repeated too frequently it can seriously damage a relationship.

 A person with emotional intelligence will speak thoughtfully, avoid criticism,  and listen well, in an attempt to understand the upset partner, making that partner feel valued, appreciated and definitely not ignored.

Anger becomes contempt and one partner (usually the one with less authority or control in the relationship) suffers from a lowered self-esteem, sadness and sometimes depression.  Again, our ability to respond with intelligence and not over react impulsively with emotion can help a relationship have staying power.

To learn more about Emotional Intelligence,  Daniel Goleman’s book, “Emotional Intelligence; Why it can matter more than IQ” is a great one to read.

Words taken from “Life After You”:

“All that I’m after is a life full of laughter…. All that still matters is love ever after….”   

Emotional Intelligence means playing tennis in sneakers

 and always keeping your sense of humor.

A couple with a high emotional IQ has staying power!

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