When An Elderly Parent Misses His Estranged Child

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about time and how fast it escapes us. Working with elderly clients, many who have Alzheimer s, makes me realize how life is just a blip that falls into a bigger plan. When I care for a client, I love listening to them reminisce about days gone by.

Did you see the movie the Bucket List?

It didn’t get great reviews, but I loved the story. It clearly spelled out life; It’s about people, not things. I’ve never seen a u-haul follow a funeral hearse, but I’ve seen many sad people driving their cars. The movie also made me think about how it’s important to tell someone you’re sorry or that you love them… before it’s too late.

I knew someone who was estranged from his father for years. There was a disagreement and the two men were too stubborn to be the first to offer the olive branch. That’s just wasted honor, like what John Maher sings about.

Why not put aside your pride and be the one to contact the parent? Even if the parent was the one who injured you with words and will never admit he was wrong, isn’t the parent child relationship more important to salvage?

What happened to that friend of mine?

His father died on a beach from a heart attack and my friend never got the chance to say he was sorry and “I love you, Dad”. His father died young, only in his fifties and was in great health; or so they thought.That happened seven years ago and to this day my friend is haunted with guilt that he never patched things up with his Dad.

A parent child relationship is an intimate bond that goes through so many stages.

Some parents will never understand that their “child” is 52, not 12 and continue to scold them or tell them what they are doing wrong. Its no wonder why some “children” decide to put up a barrier because they find the union toxic. It’s okay to have a barrier or draw a line in the sand to tell the parent, “Don’t go there!” But don’t shut that parent out. Try to remember that parent was the one who kissed your cut knee after a bike spill or taught you how to scramble an egg.

What I’m saying is; when I visit an elderly client, the first thing they want to talk about is their kid. If one of the kids has “shut them out” it breaks their heart and they’ll tell me so. They know their clock is ticking and even though they’ve attempted to contact their grown up child, the child’s resentment is too strong and the door stays closed. One day soon, a call will come to that same resentful child and she’ll learn the news from a sibling or aunt that her dad is gone. The man she hated or couldn’t forgive will now leave her with a haunting guilt. Unlike being grounded , this punishment never goes away.

If you know someone that is estranged from their parent, maybe talk to them about the hour glass and how quickly the sand moves through it. It’s okay to admit you think their parent was wrong too; but
moments in life that are wasted never come back. There’s only one dress rehearsal and then the curtain closes.
Like the song says, “say what you need to say” before it’s too late.

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