“The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.”~Anon

Today

Will it be today? I woke up this morning wondering if a prayer could be my magic bullet, making the sky open somehow, sending rainbows my way. I’ve prayed a lot. I’ve asked Him for help because I can’t seem to find work and I’m struggling to survive. In one year of being unemployed I’ve lost my savings, my pension and my retirement. In May, I lost my house and I’ve been sad this year. Lately, I’ve been feeling angry, even resentful.

I blame Him some days. I have to ask Him; “What’s it like watching me suffer down here? Why aren’t you helping me? Don’t you love me God?” And on a real bad day, I don’t even talk to Him because I just don’t see the point.

Trouble and hardship have been my close companions for more than a year. In that time, I’ve cried, I’ve prayed and I’ve struggled to keep fighting the fight. But recently I’ve lost hope. I’ve felt like quitting and even questioned God; “What is it God that you want from me? Why did you even create me? When will this end?”

Two Days Ago

I was having another blue day, and a friend emailed me. She asked me if I’d write a short article for a Christian Magazine. She also knows how my faith has been slowly evaporating from many talks we’ve had and she thought by writing, just one short article, it might help me find God again.

I quickly emailed her back and thanked her for thinking of me, but I wanted to pass on the opportunity to write for this religious magazine. I told her I just don’t feel like God listens to my prayers, so thanks but no thanks. Lately God feels like a stranger.

That was two days ago and I’ve kept thinking about my good friend, our conversations on faith, and how she wanted me to write for her.

Today

I began to feel guilty. I felt guilty that I could ever doubt my God. And then I thought of Jesus and how even he cried with agony in the garden wondering if God had deserted Him. I was in good company and I know I’m not alone when it comes to feeling like God isn’t there sometimes. We all experience times when life hits us hard and we want God to magically fix everything for us in the speed of a bullet.

It made me realize that I’m not odd at all to feel the way I feel. Many people, including biblical saints, have had the feeling that they’re holding on to a tiny thread at the end of a rope. They have believed the rope was about to break with no net to catch them and they were losing hope of things changing for the better because it was taking too long.

This magical notion, this God that no one has seen, this entity so filled with love, Christians believe is always with us, but I wish I knew why it feels like he isn’t there sometimes; especially when that bloody rope is giving you blisters from holding on to it  so tightly.

“Faith moves mountains, but you have to keep pushing while you are praying.”

~Mason Cooley

It’s been one year for me of getting nothing but blisters. Things just keep going wrong no matter how hard I try or fight to make my life better. But today when I got up, I thought about my friend and that article she wanted me to write again. Maybe it was because it gave me the excuse to speak to Him, that stranger who’s been watching me in silence.

It gave me an excuse to tell Him how angry and hurt I feel, and demand to know where He’s been and when He will he deliver me from this suffering called my life. And in my angry key tapping, truth emerged.

Truth Emerged

God has been there waiting for me to surrender to him completely. Not just some of the time, but in every minute of my life. The true test of faith and proving our love to God is when we surrender. To fall backwards with no net, but know his arms are there and He will catch you. He doesn’t promise to save us from pain or suffering because we have lessons to learn and sometimes the best teaching can only come from strife. What became clear to me is that while I’ve been waiting for Him, He’s been waiting for me.

“Just as a small fire is extinguished by the storm whereas a large fire is enhanced by it-likewise a weak faith is weakened by predicament and catastrophes whereas a strong faith is strengthened by them.”~ Victor Frankl

Today I spoke to Him and told Him I was sorry. I was sorry I stopped believing and I blamed my heavy heart for making me feel this way. Instead of asking Him to rescue me, I asked Him to help me learn how to surrender. I asked Him to remind me of all the things I need to be grateful for (they are there but being buried under a pile of mental muck makes them hard to see). I asked Him to help me to be patient and wait for his answer because it will come, but it is in his time and not my own.

And perhaps the most important truth was that I realized I’ve been praying the wrong way. Maybe just talking to Him like a friend who I’ve missed was the best way to re-connect with Him.

And so I’m writing an article, that maybe no one will read, but hoping that my message isn’t lost and might even help another person who has blisters from holding on to his bloody rope by a tiny thread.

“Weave in faith and God will find the thread”~Proverb

My message is simple but can only be received by a heart that is open and willing to trust. God is love. Believe in Him. Even when he is silent, know he’s there.

Never lose hope because that means you’ve decided to walk away from Him and if that happens you’ll get lost for sure on this bumpy road called life.

I need to believe and remember that life isn’t supposed to be easy, but even when it’s hard I can somehow be happy if I put all my trust in Him. The change I’ve been waiting for, that magic bullet, has to happen in me. Will today be the day? Absolutely, it’s time to surrender and believe.

“ Where faith is there is courage, there is fortitude, there is steadfastness and strength…Faith bestows that sublime courage that rises superior to the troubles and disappointments of life, that acknowledges no defeat except as a step to victory; that is strong to endure, patient to wait, energetic to struggle…Light up, then, the lamp of faith in your heart…It will lead you safely through the mists of doubt and the black darkness of despair; along the narrow, thorny ways of sickness and sorrow, and over the treacherous places of temptation and uncertainty.”~James Allen

I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can’t explain
Like a weight that I’ve carried
Been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don’t know what it is
But I know it’s amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I’ll find my way out of this longest drought

[Chorus:]
It feels like today
I know it feels like today I’m sure
It’s the one thing that’s missin’
The one thing I’m wishin’
The last sacred blessin’
It feels like today
Feels like today

You treat life like a picture
But its not a moment frozen in time
It’s not gonna wait
Til you make up your mind, at all

So while this storm is breaking
While there’s light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that’s my heartache
Soon this dam will break

[Chorus x2]

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like feels like your life changes

It’s the one thing that’s missin’
The one thing you’re wishin’
The last sacred blessin’
Feels like today

Feels like
Feels like your life changes
Feels like
Feels like your life changes

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