“If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.”~ Katharine Hepburn
Controlling Partners
Relationships are hard. One of my favorite quotes on marriage or the male/female connection is by one of my favorite comedians, Bill Cosby. He has said; “The fact that married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.”
He’s right. It can be like the game, tug of war. Both partners vying for control and so many variables can interfere with the marriage. People, their personal views, how they were raised, their hopes, so many factors to consider and they all can be so different. It’s no wonder that 50% of all American first marriages end in divorce.
One factor that can dissolve a happy union is control.
Not all controlling relationships lead to abuse, be it physical or emotional. But if you’re dating a controlling partner, you should really be aware that it has the potential to lead to abuse later on in a marriage. Watch for signs; get into couple therapy and if changes don’t occur…RUN!
A controlling partner wants to dominate the other. He or she is the captain of the ship, or the king of anything. There may never be an apology following a verbal or physical assault. In the eyes of the controlling or abusive partner, he is never at fault.
So what are the signs of a controlling partner?
There are different articles and books on the topic and although the lists may vary by each author, there are similar traits for the controlling partner.
Warning signs include:
• Finding fault constantly, in the other partner
• He is always right.
• Checking up on the partner: He’ll want to know where she’s going and may call if she’s out too long.
• Criticizes the smallest thing
• Put’s the other partner on the defensive and has her give up her rights to make decisions
• Controls all the finances and makes all the decisions
• Tells her she is incapable of going it alone; tells her she needs him for her survival; convinces her she is too stupid or ill equipped to be independent
• He swears, threatens, yells to intimidate and cause worry
• Takes her power away by having a bank account that he has control over. Money is his weapon against her.
• Things have to be his way or no way.
• He makes her feel guilty of everything she does so much so that she always “second guesses” herself.
An abusive act is when one partner deliberately demeans the other and makes them feel inferior, afraid or humiliated. If you are a healthy individual, you’ll recognize this discretion and admit you were wrong; but if the partner can’t see that he is controlling and is making you feel less than, there is a serious problem. Isolated acts won’t cause long term harm, but living with a controlling partner day after day will slowly injure or strip you of your self esteem. Consequences from living with a controlling partner can range from developing resentment, anger and depression to turning to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain and suffering.
What is the answer?
Just like each person is unique and every situation is individual; there isn’t a cookie cutter remedy but some suggestions:
• Seek couple therapy and if your partner won’t go with you, go alone to help yourself.
• Look for support groups in your area and learn what other people in similar situations have done to correct and reverse problems that arise from living with a controlling partner.
• Get yourself help; don’t keep the stress, worry sadness bottled up inside.
• If nothing works and the behaviors don’t change, leave. You owe it to yourself.
• If you have children, do it for them. Otherwise they will be getting a false sense of what a marriage should be and grow up to repeat the destructive relationship patterns.
Resources:
Here are some Resources you may find helpful:
• Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples Harville Hendrix PhD. (Author)
• Couples Companion: Meditations & Exercises for Getting the Love You Want: A Workbook for Couples Harville, PhD Hendrix (Author)
• When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can’t Do Anything Right by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter
• Giving the Love That Heals PhD Hendrix (Author)
You should check out the American Psychological Association
You’ll find articles for free download in PDF format, on this topic.
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Lu,
Good advice, for the most part, but I strongly disagree about seeking couple’s counseling. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a controller for three years and couples counseling only served to educate my abuser on the language and techniques to use to further his abuse. He actually became more assertive and personally empowered after our sessions. An abuser and a victim of domestic abuse cannot co-create a healthy relationship. Each must get help separately, the abuser -to learn how to stop being abusive, and the victim -to learn to resist or remove herself from the abusive situation and to begin the healing process. The author of “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men,” writes that his research on the subject bears this out as well. Those who are victims of controllers tend to be re-victimized in couple’s counseling because because the entire process is predicated on compromise and giving equal time to both parties. Controlling behavior should not be validated in any way.
And for those who don’t understand why someone stays, I can’t explain it either. I am well-educated with a degree in counseling, independent, well-traveled and a former military officer. Never in a million years did I think that I would end up in that situation, but it’s like boiling a frog, your independence and self-esteem are eroded one tiny bit at a time, until you don’t even know which way is up. There’s an excellent reference on the subject for people like myself, http://www.nottopeoplelikeus.com. It references hidden abuse in upscale marriages. One point of note is that victims of abuse in these situations generally had no background or experience with it and so therefore were unable to identify what was happening even as it was taking place. Controlling, abusive behavior does not look the same in upscale relationships as it might in other situations, and neither the victim nor the people around him/her are able to see or admit that there is abuse taking place. This makes accepting what is happening and moving on even that much more difficult.
Thank you for sharing. You have an excellent perspective and your comment is helpful for understanding how complex this problem is.
Thank you for adding the link as a resource too.
All the best to you,
LU
I have had friends in this kind of relationship and never understood why they stayed. Self esteem seems to be in short supply with some people and I believe that once you concentrate of building that, most everything else falls into place. Interesting piece, Lu. Thanks.
Thanks Nettie,
Appreciate your feedback and I agree that self esteem is in short supply when involved in this type of relationship.
Thanks for sharing!
LU
I have had friends in this kind of relationship and never understood why they stayed. Self esteem seems to be in short supply with some people and I believe that once you concentrate of building that, most everything else falls into place. Interesting piece, Lu. Thanks.