“When Will It Get Better?”

My Conversation with God

I’m having one of those days. I can’t seem to get any of my writing done; just not in the mood to write for other people. I figured I’d do what I always do when I’m in a funk. I’ll write for me. Then, maybe I’ll feel better and get some work done.

It’s a beautiful, warm, sunny, blue sky sort of day and I’m feeling lonely. So, I started this conversation…

With tears rolling down my cheek, I looked into my coffee cup and asked “When will it get better?” Then I decided to talk to Him, because it’s pretty stupid to have a conversation with your morning coffee….I looked up from my cup and imagined Him sitting across the desk from me. I looked like an idiot, talking to myself, but I was talking to Him…

It went like this:

“Okay, I’ve been trying. I get up, do the work that’s given to me, and try to keep up beat…but nothing gets better!  My life sucks….I miss my kids…I still can’t pay all my bills…I had crackers and jelly for dinner last night…can’t afford health insurance and I have a sore throat; it’s probably strep…why can’t anything go right for me? When will it change?”

“When will it get better?”

As usual, I heard nothing but my own sniffles between my tears so I kept talking to Him.

“It’s so stupid. I write and people tell me that I’m helping them and that feels good, but I still can’t get by. I’m tired of living like this! Everything seems wrong and yes! Maybe, part of my bad mood is the break up…”

(I’m referring to the man I dated for 8 months)

“When will I be loved?.. I’m 48 years old and I’ve been asking that question all my life…as a little girl, standing outside her mother’s closed bathroom door, in tears demanding to be heard…”Mommy…when will I be loved?”

At this point real waterworks begin,but I also realize the reason why I woke up in such a bad mood. It’s not just because my life is hard, but my blue mood is more about the fact that this question, the one I had asked my mother so very long ago outside the locked bathroom door, it has never been answered. That’s what was getting to me today.

“I’m a good person, I try to do what’s right and I keep meeting selfish, self absorbed people who are incapable of giving support or being a true friend. Why do I have to have such lousy luck? Seems like so many bad people can find happiness but I’m good and nothing good comes my way! Why?”

(Silence again. This time I stopped to wipe my eyes with a tissue and thoughts ran through my head. More like memories…I saw a far away memory play like a video for me to watch…so I watched…)

The memory played back a meeting that I had in Boston.

I’m a little girl in second grade. I’m in a doctor’s office at Children Hospital for my ADHD and the doctor asks me;

“Do you know why you’re here?”

I stare down at my shiny new Easter Shoes, now scuffed on the toes from scraping them that morning, and I speak softly.

The little girl speaks softly, almost in a whisper to her shiny Mary Janes.

“I’m here because nobody loves me.”

I see the little girl start to cry and the doctor gets up from his desk and moves to sit beside her, handing her a tissue. She wiggles her little body, to move away from the stranger sitting next to her, takes the tissue from his hand but still won’t look up. She hears him say…

“You don’t think anyone loves you?”…The little girl shakes her head yes as she moves her feet back and forth under her chair, nervously. Her feet can’t touch the floor so she slouches in the over-sized chair trying to make her new shoes scuff on the carpet…. The doctor asks her a new question:

“Do you love yourself”

The little girl stops crying and holds her feet still. She sits up tall in the over sized chair. She looks at the doctor with angry eyes. She protests to the crazy man;

“That’s dumb! I don’t want to be here!”

The doctor tells her…”I know…but I’m here to help….the question I asked is important…I’m going to teach you how to be your own best friend…how to love yourself so no one else can hurt you or even if they say mean things, you’ll know their word’s aren’t true. You’ll know you’re wonderful and won’t need to hear it from other people. You’ll just know it in your heart.”

I see the little girl scrunch up her nose at the doctor, like she smelled old milk in the frig or just saw a four headed bird sing “Supercalafragelisticespialodogious” off tune, carrying Julie Andrew’s umbrella instead of Dick Van Dyke. She’s puzzled and has no idea what the doctor is trying to tell her. Not knowing how to respond, she tosses the tissue onto the doctor’s floor for the dramatic effect and she denounces the MD.

“That’s really dumb. You’re a dumb doctor. Can I go home now?”

Fast Tube by Casper

My cat at this point jumped on my desk and startled me.  I caught myself smiling, remembering that feisty little girl who grew up feeling unloved. I understand today what the doctor was trying to say to me back then.

So, I let out a sigh, tossed my tissue onto my desk and grabbed the naughty kitty. As I put the cat on the carpet next to me, I  heard myself repeat the little girl’s words:

“That’s dumb! I don’t want to be here!”

So I closed my lap top and packed for the park.

Things will get better, child…

It’s a beautiful day. I’ll write under a shady tree and remember that is what a best friend should do.

A best friend helps you feel better. I need to be my own best friend.

Thank you, God.  Thanks’ for listening and reminding me of that precocious little girl. I’m still feisty; no time to feel sorry for myself. I have work to do.

It shouldn’t matter that another handsome gent turned into an ugly frog. Ugly frogs don’t make very nice friends. So what? I’ll be my own best friend and type under a shady tree, sip cold coffee and listen to somebody elses’ kid giggle with delight as he’s pushed on a swing.

“When will it get better?”

I think it just did…

Dive deep, O mind, dive deep in the ocean of God’s beauty! If you descend to the uttermost depths, there you will find the gem of love.~Bengali

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