Should We Be Blaming The Kids?

Part I

What do you mean Timmy needs to go to the well?

Shouldn’t it be Lassie?

ACT I

Picture a beautiful, crisp, autumn afternoon, shades of fiery red and summer burnt brown leaves freshly falling on a backyard lawn and a strange gathering taking place. The participants included an adorable border collie, sweeter than his butterscotch coloring; a frustrated dog -owner (yours truly) and at center stage, the circus ring leader or star of the show; a middle-aged woman, wearing a tight- two- sizes- too -small -tee shirt, that pictured a large cartoon canine barking the caption “Paws-it-to-Training; your doggy’s coach to better behavior.”

My initial thought, after answering the front doorbell and seeing the woman for the first time, was that she reminded me of the recent contestant I had just seen on the women’s channel network, Fashion Foe-Paws, (no pun intended), getting a much needed beauty makeover. Only this gal had dogie biscuits bulging out of her jeans, instead of baby fat. We proceeded out to the back yard, dragging my naughty pup by his leash and within minutes I felt guilty for unfairly judging her. She might have gotten dressed in the dark that morning, but so what.

This dog trainer “Wowed” me with unbelievable skill. She had a unique, pristine talent that stole the tiara away from Miss America’s unoriginal Labor Day weekend, singing and tap dancing act. Her understanding of dogie culture was so impressive, that all caddy thoughts about her silly get-up vanished in thin air, the way the magician’s pretty blond does after being locked up in his trunk and spun around three times fast. As the trainer waved her magic wand in the shape of a dog bone, I became convinced that Houdini was being channeled through her. Her magic was amazing to watch.

Who called the meeting?

I called this meeting because my sweet pup wasn’t so sweet according to my neighbors. Let’s just say, he liked to chase the kids playing in my yard, the way a farm dog chases cattle into the barn. He was becoming too famous on our street for nipping children on their precious Oshkosh, back pocket jeans. It was becoming too familiar a site, looking out the kitchen window, spotting one of the youngsters running home, holding both butt- cheeks with the palms of his hands and screaming for his mommy. Lassie had to go to dogie school or I would soon be returning him to the cattle farmer.

Don’t you love the heroes’ invisible red cape?

Act II.

The heroine walks on stage. Meet Deborah, the superhero and star of the show, lovable, but lacking in fashion sense. Speaking fluent “Dogie”, the star actor gets the cute furry antagonist to listen and obey. Applause, applause, applause…and the curtains close. The ending came as a surprise.

Are you kidding me?

She must have “barked” commands for over an hour and the results were magnificent, but very surprising. I was the one who learned something that afternoon at dogie school.

It wasn’t Lassie who needed to learn a thing or too.

It was the dummy holding his leash.

After paying $125 dollars to see the show, I spent one hour in my back yard with a badly dressed gypsy from Woodstock, a fresh collie and the songs of backyard robin red breasts, only to learn that I was the problem? What??

Shocking, but most reality shows are. And yet, the truth will set you free.

As weeks passed, I gradually learned how to get Lassie to come home to Timmy, and leave the farm life for a more tranquil suburbia. The experience was eye opening and it made me think that maybe parenting is like training a dog. Instead of blaming the naughty one, maybe the dummy holding the leash (or the parent in charge) should assess what he/she is doing that might be contributing to the undesired behavior. The parallel between training a dog like Pavlov, and training a child, like a Dr. Spock wanna-be, got me thinking and I started to read books on the subject. I wanted to learn what experts had to say on “training” badly behaved children.

A long introduction, but do you see where I’m going?

Like the strange meeting of the minds that gathered in my back yard on that sunny, September afternoon, I needed to call a meeting with experts, and ingest their written wisdom page after page found on various parenting books that I had taken out of the public library.

At the time I was teaching and wondered what it was that made it so difficult for me to curb the bad behavior of one of my children, when I could manage a classroom of 30 students with ease. I was feeling inept at speaking my child’s language and experiencing the same frustration I had felt with my puppy.

Can I have the number to call the Child Whisperer?

There isn’t one unfortunately, but I’ve learned over the course of my teaching career and taking classes in childhood development, and learning on the job as a parent, that there is no magic bullet. Depending on what book you pick up, the opinions of experts can vary and nothing is written in stone.

It’s like when you try a recipe out for the first time. The chef wrote down all the ingredients, you followed it exactly and the soufflé still fell flat in the pan. So what you do? You assess what could have gone wrong. Is there a variable that’s making your recipe fall flat?

You recognize that you need to add or remove an ingredient, because the chef has never been in your kitchen and doesn’t know it like you do. In other words, you have to debug the recipe code, differentiate and experiment, until you figure out the right mixture that will put a smile on your face. It’s not easy. Like French Cooking, it takes trial and error, practice, but will be worth the time invested. The trick is never throw in your apron. Be consistent.

How do you make the souffle supreme?

With patience, knowledge, time and practice, you are capable of helping your child learn better ways to cope with his anger or acting out. Read, learn, take in the information, but no author or PHD knows your child or the dynamics of your family the way you do. Every home may run differently and children have different temperaments. No recipe by any expert will create a “perfect” child, and it will have to be tweaked. Adapt the suggestions to your lifestyle and see what feels right and works. Depending on the severity of bad behavior, seek out a professional’s help. But if your child is the ordinary badly behaved tot in church or one who wants control of the home, there is a general list of suggestions you can follow. The next article gives you a glimpse of the soufflé’ in the making.

Should we be blaming the kids? Part II

When I finally recognized that the day to day quarreling, punishment, go to your room, tango we were partnered in, was a dance my son was leading, I got nervous.

Just because the parenting strategy worked for his two siblings didn’t mean it had to work for him too. It obviously wasn’t working so just like in teaching, I needed to “tweak” the strategy and fit it to his uniqueness and learning style.

Behavior is a combination of learning. Some of it is innate. We each have a predisposition that leads us to react in the way that we do. For example, a simple change in schedule could unsettle him, where my other two could go with the flow and be flexible. Temperament, anxiety, attention span, and impulsivity are just some innate factors that influence how a child can “size up” a situation.

Environment is another factor that influences behavior. Does your home run like a finely tuned machine, or does it squeak frequently leading to some chaos?

Generally, a tantrum is what we see, but not underlying problem. It’s just a symptom to what is really going on with the child. Something is making him feel out of sync. It could be frustration, fear, or looking for attention from the parent negatively, and because he can’t verbalize his needs or may not even understand them himself, he can’t cope with the feelings and “explodes”.

As the parent or teacher, the challenge is to look at the situation NOT while you are involved in putting out the flames, but after the fire is out. When the episode is over ask questions:

• What led to it?

• Was he tired, hungry?

• Was he jealous of the time it took to feed the baby?

• Is he resentful of the new baby taking some of the attention away from him?

• Is he afraid of going to the new sitter?

• Is he reacting to mommy’s and daddy’s argument and is feeling scared?

Come up with a list of questions and when your child is calm, talk to him in his language. If your child is young, ask him to draw a picture that shows him feeling happy. Praise him for the beautiful drawing and ask him what it is that makes him happy. Then ask him to draw you a picture of feeling angry? Again ask him what makes him feel angry? Make sure the message is:

It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to bite. Then ask him to come up with ideas for what he could do when he feels that level of anger instead. My son told me that he could run around the house 4 times and then when he comes back inside I should stop what I’m doing to talk about it. That actually worked, and when he got older and recognized he was entering the “red zone”, he would leave the house and ride his bike, or shoot baskets, anything that helped him release the steam.

Help him find coping strategies. If he is a visual learner, post his list of ideas on the fridge to serve as a checking point. For example, when you’re folding laundry and hear him begin to yell at his sibling, ask him to look at the list and what is another way to get the anger out. Then when it’s out, he can talk to his sister about whatever it is that is bugging him.

Like the dogie with the biscuit

Reward the good desired behavior. Be careful how you respond to his negative behavior. Discipline with respect, but authority. Let him feel like his feelings matter and he’s part of the process for figuring out ways to help him “cool down” the flame.

Conclusion:

Changing inappropriate behavior requires the parent to develop an action plan. The plan will change and be revised as the child grows. One key ingredient is to be a thoughtful observer and like a scientist after his experiment, ask yourself questions and reflect on the variables.

Steps to Positive Discipline:

1. Specify the behavior

2. Define the desired behavior you want in place of

3. Develop a measurement system (behavior chart, tokens to win “lunch with daddy” on Wed, or a pizza movie family night )

4. Change the Antecedents

A) Change the physical environment (ie; get him to run outside, ride his bike etc/ anything to burn off steam so you can talk with him later when he’s not feeling agitated.)

B) Catch’m Being Good and Reward (when he’s talking nicely to his sibling, point it out and praise him. Don’t just do it once, do it daily and be consistent.)

C) Teach Alternative Behaviors ( This works great, especially with sensory learners; physically redirect the behavior)

D) Make a Behavioral Contract and come up with a list of family rules that everyone follows. If there is no yelling in the house, that goes for mommy too and his sister.

E) Be sure that you call the Behaviors Bad, but not the child. Behaviors are not who he is/ it is what he chooses to do. Point out, he is good but biting is bad. Ask him, what can we do instead, to help you get the anger out and feel better?

F) Change the Consequences:

• Remove a Reinforcer

• Your attention (ignore the behavior as long as it’s minor, and not hurting anyone)

• Remove Reinforcing Object or Activity (tapping toy on wall, take away the toy)

• Remove the child (time-out)

G) Add a punish-er/ continue to reinforce

• Simple Correction

• Positive practice

• Contingent Effort

Keep interpreting the results of each episode and what worked, what didn’t. Continue to measure your progress. Change and modify what you do until you see the results you want. The goal is to discipline the child in a loving, caring, respectful way and never call the child “bad”. Point out the good, and do your best to help him recognize what he’s feeling before it leads him to igniting a fire.

Be consistent and good luck!

RESOURCES:

Canter, L. and M. Canter. (1992). Lee Canter’s Assertive Discipline; Positive Behavior Management, Santa Monica, Calif: Lee Canter& Associates.

Clayton, L. O. (1985). “The Impact Upon Child-Rearing Attitudes, of Parental Views of the Nature of Humankind. “ Journal of Psychology and Christianity”4, 3: 49-55.

Cline, F., and J. Fay. (1990). Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility. Colorado Springs, Colo.: OPinon Press

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