“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”~Robert McCloskey

Do you ever feel like when you’re talking to your teenager, you’re just blowing hot air or the likelihood of being understood is as likely as winning megabucks? That’s how I felt yesterday talking with my son.

Raising teenagers in general is a tough chapter to get through in any parent manual, but my son has Bipolar Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder and that makes it even more challenging for me. It doesn’t matter what the label of the diagnosis is, communicating with your teenager takes work and sometimes can leave you, the parent, feeling angry and frustrated.

“Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree”~ Anonymous

Now, I’m a big believer on the power of words and I realize that words can build or hurt a child’s self esteem. Maybe this understanding developed from my own childhood experiences because I was a kid with ADHD. A comment like; “Why can’t you be more like your sister.” would really sting. So when I became a mom, I promised myself I would always be sensitive to my child’s feelings and respect the power of words and choose them wisely. In other words, I promised myself I would do a better job than my mother. Now that I’m a mom, I realize that’s easier said than done. I may avoid what I viewed as her mistakes, but I’ve managed to create original ones of my own.

Take yesterday for example, I failed miserably. I broke my promise and chose my words impulsively, operating on emotion. While watching my son’s body language, (rolling of his eyes, crossing his arms, whispering under his breath, shaking his head at what I was saying) I could feel my blood boil. I felt defensive and when I knew the conversation was going nowhere based on the fact that he seemed to be “shutting down”, I told him to go to his room.

Here’s my big blunder; As he walked away, the frustration and anger took over and I delivered this parting, sarcastic remark;

“I know you have a brain. I saw it in the ultrasound 15 years ago.”
I am now my mother! Why did I do that? That didn’t help my cause. It also made my son angrier with me. It’s not easy to always follow the rules and communicate with sensitivity. So today’s post is dedicated to other mothers like me who are presently struggling to communicate with their teenager.

“Argument is the worst sort of conversation.”~Jonathan Swift

What are the rules?

There are so many experts and resources that offer answers to parenting questions. I usually refer to books written or co-written by experts in the content area I want to learn more about. The source I used for this simple list on how to communicate effectively with your teenager, came from a Canadian expert and doctor who has years of experience in psychology and education.

Dr. Wooding is the author of “Parenting Today’s Teenager Effectively; Hear Me, Hug Me, Trust Me” which was published in 1995. I’ll share with you some of his golden nuggets that I wished I had remembered yesterday.

Dr. Wooding states that although the teenager appears not interested in communicating with his parent, by seeming silent or distant, that’s not necessarily the case. Dr. Wooding states that some parents become resentful of their teen’s silent behavior because they remember their child being more open and conversational only a few years earlier, as a pre-teen or younger set. Dr Wooding reminds us that a teenager’s silence needs to be expected and is appropriate for this age groups behavior. We have to remember, the teenager’s brain is not yet an adult’s and will process information differently.

To engage conversation there are things a parent needs to do.

1. Be in a relaxed setting. Dr. Wooding suggests the parent invite the teen to spend time with him. Ask the teen to take a walk, go shopping, and play a board game. It’s in this relaxed, mutually enjoyed setting that the best communication will occur.

2. Learn to be a good questioner. Dr. Wooding states that it takes at least 4 consecutive questions to begin the flow of conversation with a teen. Don’t stop after one question. So when you say, “How was school?” and the teen gives a one word response: “Good” keep going. “Did you have that English test? How is Joey doing, did he make the hockey team?” etc.

3. Be an effective listener. This means be an active listener. Make eye contact with the teen to let him know you’re listening. If you don’t put the paper down that you’re reading, or stop buzzing around the kitchen preparing dinner, the teen will feel ignored or as if what he is saying isn’t important to you.

4. Avoid Actions that block communication like; interrupting, showing emotion. If you show shock or you are upset listening to the teen, that will make him shut down and stop all conversation. Dr. Wooding agrees this is hard to do but necessary. Stay calm and keep emotions in check.

5. Avoid lecturing. Dr. Wooding advises to keep it short and to the point. Avoid yelling.

These basic rules are simple and easy to remember. I hope they help you, the way they have helped me!

Thanks for reading!

“As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.”

Fran Lebowitz

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