You just got the news.You feel like you’ve been hit below the belt and you’re struggling to breath, after that nasty sucker punch blind -sided you. You can’t believe it. It’s so unfair.

Once you catch your breath and slowly recover from the shock, you realize by the serious expression on the doctor’s face, that it’s not a terrible joke. Now, the tears start. You grieve, get angry, and don’t know what to do.

Sound familiar? Fear not, my friend. Millions of parents, just like you, have received the same unsettling diagnosis.

You are not alone.

Authors, Rashmi Nemade, Ph.D. & Mark Dombeck, Ph.D., write in their article, Statistics and Patterns in Bipolar Disorder, that approximately 3.4 million children and adolescents with depression in the United States may actually be experiencing the early onset of adolescent bipolar disorder, but have not yet experienced the manic phase of the illness. They report that a percentage of children in the United States are diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder with hyperactivity (ADHD) when they actually have the beginning of early-onset bipolar disorder instead or along side of ADHD.

When it is your own child who is diagnosed with BP, it is not uncommon to go through stages of grief. This article will hopefully provide suggestions on where to start finding help and support on your new journey of parenting. So, get a cup of coffee, sit in a comfy chair, take some deep breaths, and relax. The sky is not falling, although it feels that way. Everything will be okay.

Lets’ Begin:

First Remind your child that you love him.

Remind yourself of the many gifts and talents he has. Pat yourself on the back for being a great parent. Although the diagnosis was difficult to hear, in a strange way, the monkey on your back has been sent back to the local zoo. In other words, last Thanksgiving, Aunt Mary was completely wrong to accuse you of being a bad parent just because you had difficulty controlling your child. Now you can tell her, that you were just inducted into an elite group, the Parents of Bipolar Children Club. A club of elite members who have to be willing to develop new parenting skills, learn new strategies and practice patience, flexibility, and strength. You, my friend, have been and will continue to be the best of the best, in parenting. So send Aunt Mary home without her usual dish of left over stuffing. She doesn’t deserve it this year. Shame on her for being so ignorant.Then, after letting all your relatives know, you need to make sure you have a good doctor.

How do you know if you have a good doctor?

I. Make a checklist that will help you decide.

1. Does he always listen you?

2. Does he understand your child’s needs, your needs and the family dynamics at your house?

3. Is he willing to talk to your child’s special education teacher, or write a letter to support your request for educational modifications?

The letter should state the diagnosis, the behaviors exhibited at home, and the side effects that might appear in school. The teachers need to be aware and observant. His letter should advise the school to call you and/or his office if they notice any behavior changes during school hours.

3. Does he have a a good referral rate and recommendations from other medical professionals and organizations in your state, community government, or among parents ?

4. When you explain to him you are having second thoughts about the medication, because your child’s side effects frighten you, does he listen, reassure you, explain the benefits, or change the dosage or prescription. Does he tell you how to monitor? Does he see you as his patient too?

5. Is he willing to respect your opinion and be patient explaining things, understanding this is a whole new world, and you feel like a fish out of water?

6. Does he make time to answer your many questions or does he rush you out of his office?

If you have too many answers that point to the back door, take it and run. Find a new doctor.

II. Research, ask questions, call your state mental health organization.

III. Join the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation.

Visit their site found at this link: http://www.bpkids.org/

You will have access to a wealth of information, including articles, brochures, hand outs for your child’s teacher on how to educate the bipolar child, books to read, doctors to contact, and more. There is even a chat room where you can share your story and find support from other parents who have been or are going through it. You’ll find strength in numbers and comfort comes from people who actually understand what you are going through. You’ll learn and begin to fully understand your child’s disorder. You’ll find strategies for coping, parenting, and dealing with your healthy children, as well.

IV. Don’t forget the healthy siblings.

Make sure they don’t feel like second best. So much of your energy, attention, and time is spent on your sick child, and rightfully so, but make special time for the healthy children. Reassure them they rank #1 too. Tell them over and over again, that they are equally loved.

Have them talk to a professional, so they will develop an understanding of bipolar disorder, and why their sibling’s mood is so unpredictable. Let them know it is okay to share their anger, feelings of resentment, sadness and disappointment.

Speak in simple terms. If your children are young, maybe explain the illness this way:

“Do you know what a thermostat is? It regulates the heat in the house. If it’s broken, the heat will be too hot or too cold, and the house will feel bad. An

electrician, a specialist, will come and fix the broken thermostat, so the temperature is regulated and functions properly. Then the house will feel good again. It won’t be too hot or too cold. It will be just right.”

“Well, now think of the brain as having a thermostat. Instead of controlling temperature, the brain’s thermostat regulates feelings, moods, and behavior. If that part of the brain is broken, it needs to be fixed so feelings won’t become too sad or too happy, too angry or too explosive. A professional, a specialist called a doctor, will have to fix that part of the brain. The doctor will use medicines to do this, but it might take time for him to figure out the right combination, in order to fix that special thermostat. Once that part of the brain is fixed, Johnny will be able to run properly and regulate his emotions again. We will all feel good and living in the house will feel good.”

Give them your time. Be available, schedule meetings, where they can sit with you and ask questions, complain, or vent.

V. Look into family counseling.

Remember, bipolar disorder is a disease that infects everyone in the home. You have to pull together, become a united team that fights fair, listens, loves and supports one another.

Sounds easy, right? Nope, it’s extremely difficult.

You have been walking on eggshells, not wanting to upset little Johnny. You’ve been giving in, letting him rule, to keep him from being explosive. Your house already looks like swiss cheese by all the holes he’s put in the walls. The last time he came at you with his baseball bat, you got hurt. The doctors tell you to call 911 when that happens, but how can you? That’s what you think in your head, when you listen to the doctor’s words. Doesn’t your doctor realize, he’s your child and you love him. How could any good parent do that?

Well, family counseling might be a solution to help you see that calling 911 is good parenting. Remember, you need to parent your child differently, and keeping everyone safe when your sick child is unstable and raging needs to be your first priority.

Do you identify with the following scenario?:

The tension in your house is making you stay longer at work. You try to estimate the time it will take for your wife to put your sad little one to bed, so he’ll be asleep by the time you get home. He’s an angel when he sleeps and looks so adorable, so peaceful.

But you know at some point, night terrors will shatter the stillness and wake him. His blood curdling screams will make your heart jump out of your chest every time. You’ll be the one to fumble down a dark hallway to get to his room, because your wife is still mad at you. She knows why you stay so long at work and her resentment is growing.

Once you reach your child’s room, he’s hysterical and inconsolable. He’s still terrified by the dark and bloody images that played with his imagination, and he trembles in your arms as he describes them to you in detail. You rock him as he cries, and you begin to hate God for doing this to your son. You wonder if you will ever get your life back.

Keep the faith.Your child will learn to cope with his powerful emotions. He won’t always have night terrors. Once the right combination of medicine stabilizes him, your house will become a home again. The monster living inside him, will be quieted, or somewhat tamed with the right follow up care. But you need a professional to show you the way. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak, but strong. Intelligent people problem solve. Family Counseling might be something to consider, depending on your situation and the needs of your family.

VI. Become proactive.

Contact your child’s school. Make sure modifications are implemented for your child’s instruction. Know your States Special Education Modification Plans and guidelines. If your child qualifies, immediately write a letter, requesting your child’s school or special education department to evaluate your child.

In MA, Bipolar Disorder qualifies for special education or modifications in the classroom. It is an emotional disorder that makes your child’s day like a ride on a roller coaster. When your child is stable, no action from the school may be required. When he grows three inches or adds 2 pounds, he may become unstable again, until his medication is adjusted. Suddenly his moods shift with his behaviors. Johnny might start to yell at the teacher again, or get into a boxing match in the boys bathroom. When he is dipping or too high on the coaster, school modifications should be in place. That way, the school has your permission and ability to address your child’s needs.

When the roller coaster your riding with your child dips, modifications for your child should immediately be implemented at school.These adjustments might include shortened class assignments, no homework, frequent breaks, allowed to see the guidance counselor or nurse with a non verbal signal, etc.

The professionals will know, but educate yourself too.

You have to be your child’s advocate to get the services he needs and is entitled to.

VII. Research medications.

Know the possible side effects and be observant. Learn how to use a mood chart. One can be downloaded on the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation’s site.

VIII. Make sure your child is not over medicated.

Don’t assume that your doctor, because he is the doctor, is unable to misdiagnose or prescribe the wrong medication. Communicate effectively and regularly. Keep a note pad on you. Write down your observations, what time of the day he dips or shows overly active, manic type behavior.

IX. Find a good counselor for your child.

Medication alone is not enough. Behavior modification and training might be necessary.

Family counseling will help everyone learn new methods for reacting to many unpredictable, and often violent behaviors, but your child should have the option to receive individual support too.

X. Establish Family Fair Fighting Rules

Suggestions and resources on strategies and parenting tips, include:

“Problem Solving Techniques or Fair Fighting Rules”

Make a list of how to communicate, discipline and parent effectively. For example, don’t threaten during an argument and stay focused on behaviors. Don’t make it personal. Say:”You are such a good boy, but kicking your sister is a bad thing to do. Kicking is against our family rules. Let’s think of another way to let the anger out. Feeling angry is okay, but kicking, hitting, swearing, etc. are unacceptable and bad. You are such a good boy, but kicking is bad.”

Information on communication skills, exact dialogue to use, and other rules compiled by professional referee Don Johnson, Ph.D. can be found in hisut his resource, Child Handbook. Be sure to check it out. There is a whole section devoted to finding “buried strengths.” Dr. Johnson will give examples. For example, instead of saying a problem statement: “Child runs away a lot”, re-frame the strength, “Child has good survival skills.”

Let’s Review:

Parenting a bipolar child requires different parenting skills, educational modifications, behavioral coping skills for you and your whole family. You must develop a willingness to learn about the disorder, the medications and the available treatments and services.

Never forget your child has talent, creativeness, and special gifts that will make the world a better place. Remember to be your own best friend. Stop feeling guilty. Connect with other parents either on line, like the chat rooms or message boards found at the National Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation’s web site, or in your local community. Call your local government and ask that they send you links, brochures, and e-mails, names of services, doctors, professionals to contact. They might have a list for family support and parenting support networks in your state.

Make sure you read The Bipolar Child written by authors, Demitri Papolos, M.D., and Janice Papolos. Ask your town librarian to give you a list of recommendations: books, articles, web sites, and contact your state mental health group. They should have resources for you as well.

Most importantly, be good to yourself. Overtime, you will accept the diagnosis. The hurt from the sucker punch will disappear, and you will enjoy life again. There are challenges ahead, but if you prepare, research, advocate and learn as much as you can, you will have all the building blocks you need to help your child navigate through these uncharted waters.

You’ll have the proper foundation, the platform to begin a new journey, but don’t be hesitant to ask for support.

Like it or not, when you received your child’s diagnosis, you joined the club of parenting superheroes. Membership excludes the weak of heart or cowardly types. You will be amazed, even proud of your new skills, strength, and power. You will appreciate your new role, and strive to become the best parent you can be.

It takes a real superhero to bend and not break, to forgive repeatedly, love unconditionally and grow consistently, in strength and knowledge. Even Batman and Robin might not make the cut, but you will.

And don’t kid yourself. Expect your little guy to be stubborn. He’ll want his crown back, but be consistent, firm , and stand your ground.

Let the little guy know the roles were out of sync before and he needs to learn his new place in your castle. Your family therapist can help you make a behavior chart, outlining chores, family rules and incentives to motivate your little prince, as well as the other short villagers in your kingdom. Reassure him, and he will adjust. You all have to.

And as incredible as it sounds to you right now, the typical afternoons you spent listening to him rage for hours, will be replaced with episodes that may only last minutes. You’ll learn how to quickly retrieve peace in your castle. You are in charge.

Be patient with yourself. You still might react quickly, out of emotion, in the heat of the battle, and all the knightly training will be tossed out the window, because old patterns are hard to break.

Forgive yourself for being human. Accept the fact that once in a while, you might make mistakes or even “lose it”.

But that’s okay. You are entitled. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.

Your challenge is far greater, and requires more stamina and resiliency than that of the average parent, living next door to you.

Remember, you were thrown into an elite grouping, the one of a kind, unforgivably, underrated group of heroes, the parents of bipolar children.

So finish that coffee you’ve been sipping and breath. My work is done.

My parting nuggets:

Appreciate and love yourself.

Love your child.

Thank God for this special gift. You don’t see it now, but you will later on.

You are a parent,the most difficult job in the world without any owner’s guide to lead you.

You, my friend, have just boarded a roller coaster filled with dips and surprises, BUT, remember these words:

When you hit the lows, don’t stay stuck. Know highs are waiting for you over that climb.

Your life will continue to have laughter, hugs and smiles.

You will do just fine.

How do I know?

My elite membership began in 2004.

Welcome aboard.

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